Curve-Killer

Despite a long day of class, followed by hours of writing a research paper on orchids, and a long night ahead of me as I babysit 3 kids...today was a good day. This is because, for the first time in my four years at UCSB, I received the highest grade on a very important midterm...in a science class. This is not easy. Usually, every class has that one person who always gets the highest grade on everything, setting the standard for the rest of the class to follow. My friends and I refer to this person as the "curve-killer." We are usually "frenemies" with this person.

Today, I was that person! I didn't tell anyone in the class that I receive the highest score. I decided to take my seat on the curve-killer's throne with grace and not toot my own horn. Bad karma would have definitely followed if I had let everyone see my huge cheesy grin upon getting my test back. Instead, I sat it the corner and basked privately in my moment of triumph. It was wonderful.

I don't think I've clearly explained my school situation on this blog, so let me digress from my awesomeness for a moment :) I just 'graduated' from UCSB, however I was missing one class I needed to officially receive my degree. I am currently taking this class during the summer session. In one short week from Wednesday, I will be done - "fo' real" - with my Bachelor's Degree and minor. Although I have awaited this moment for quite some time, I crazily decided to begin taking classes at the local city college for a number of reasons. Mostly, I want to get my Masters in Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing and need to take 3 lab courses as a prerequisite. I am taking my Anatomy and Physiology labs right now.

Anyhow, this is the last class I will ever take at UCSB. My time in college is quickly coming to an end. It's an amazing feeling, but also a frightening one...another reason I'm remaining a student at the CC. I'm still looking for a full-time job, since my CC classes are in the evening and I'm only getting ~12 hours/week at my current part-time job. I will really miss UCSB, but I'll be overjoyed to finally have my degree!!!

Seeing as this is my final course, I am determined to do well. The class I am taking is extremely tough and everyday I am bombarded with more information than I can handle. However, I have studied my ass off for this class. No, really, I have. I studied so intensely everyday for about a week prior to this midterm that I wasn't really eating because I was so focused and determined to cram every fact and figure into my brain. Because of this, the seat of my jeans are actually kind of baggy...I apparently lost a pound or two. Mind you, this is a sacrifice I am willing to make to earn an A in this class.

So, besides letting out my secret to people who aren't in my class, I wanted to write this blog to encourage all of you students out there. If you put your mind to something, you truly can achieve it! And, preparation for any big project will still allow you to get a reasonable amount of sleep (I am strongly against pulling all-nighters to study, btw. You can party all night, but studying all night is never as helpful as people think). I personally wouldn't recommend the I'm-studying-too-hardcore-to-eat strategy, but a little determination never hurt anyone, right?!

I *heart* My City

I've mentioned this before, but I'm going to say it again: I love Santa Barbara! My hometown is a little city in the desert with nothing fun to do. It's in a valley south of Los Angeles, so all the smog from LA drifts down and keeps the dirt and heat trapped in this little city. So when I moved to new city with things to do, clean beaches to stroll, and fresh air to breathe, I instantly fell in love :)

Today I met up with a friend who graduated from UCSB two years ago and moved to NYC for graduate school. She is studying to be an occupational therapist and loves her new life in the Big Apple. However, when she comes back to visit, she realizes how much she misses little ol' SB.

This morning we took advantage of the beautiful beach-town weather and went to a coffee shop to catch up. She brought a friends with her from NY; it was this girl's first time in California. So we got a cold drink, sat at a table on the sidewalk, and people-watched while we chatted. We took her around and showed her things that we are so used to here, but that are non-existent in New York. It made me realize that I've been taking our grocery stores, coffee shops, and parking structures for granted.

I was actually able to slow down for a minute today and enjoy some time outdoors in this beautiful city that I now call my home. I was so bright-eyed and receptive when I first moved here, but now that I'm used to this little-big town I don't notice the small things anymore. When I go somewhere to get a coffee, I grab it and go. I hop back in my car and rush off to complete my to-do list for the day. Having company here reminded me how much I enjoy living in SB. And since I probably won't be here forever, I decided I need to continue taking advantage of living in such a beautiful and unique place. I want to cherish these moments in the city that defined my life as a college student. I still have that itch to travel, and I'm sure I always will. But since I am living here for the moment, I want to appreciate all the beauty and fun in this city.

So instead of being cooped up in my apartment this sunny afternoon, I'm going to get out somewhere and take my work with me. I need to enjoy this while it lasts!

More Thoughts on Long Distances

Yesterday's contemplation on long-distance relationships focused on romantic relationships. Today I've been thinking about how different those relationships are from a long-distance relationship with friends. Like many of you, I left my hometown to go to college and have made a new life for myself here. I absolutely love Santa Barbara, and can't say I feel the same way about my old stomping grounds. I still love my family and friends, and of course regret not being able to spend more time with them; however, I have other things here to keep me extremely busy. Many of my old friends from back home have been my friends since childhood. We've grown up together and shared many memories and experiences; we've gone through important stages of life and have helped each other through the process of 'growing up.' But now that many of us have gone to college (without each other), we've all experienced so many different things in another important and transitional time in our lives, and feeling like we've missed out on each other.

It's amazing how many people will make an effort to keep a LD relationship alive with a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's a lot of work, but - at least for a while - it's worth it. Why, then, is it so much harder to keep up the same kind of relationship with people that we know will always be around? There are friends in my life that I've known for years and years, and no matter what happens, no matter how many years pass without a face-to-face interaction, I know that in some way or another, we will always be part of each others' lives.

When I was in a LD relationship with my ex, we talked on the phone for hours and hours every week. When it comes to keeping in touch with my LD friends, it's a whole different story.

Although I only live about 3 hours from my parents, I only make it home about 4 times a year (holidays mostly). My parents love visiting Santa Barbara because it's such a beautiful city, so I see them about every other month. However, I rarely see my friends from home...definitely not on a regular basis. We all have jobs and many of us are in school. Some of them still live at home, while others have their own places. Regardless of our different situations, one thing remains true: things have changed.

We all keep up on each others' lives (in a way) on Facebook, since it allows us to see everyone's status every day, recent photos, etc. Sadly, though, none of us make much of an effort to pick up a phone or make a drive to visit. It's not that we don't want to...life just gets in the way. I love my new life here, and don't necessarily miss my old one. But I will always love my friends. Whenever we are all able to catch up - either as a group or individually on the phone, however - we all know that our lives are changing at a phenomenal pace. I can hardly keep up with my own life, let alone everyone I care about!

Despite the fact that we don't get to talk to each other every day, or see each other every month, my friends are still my friends. My life will always be changing, and I hope that theirs will be, too. As much as I wish I could keep in close contact with everyone I know, the truth is that I can't. My friends know I care about them, and I know they care about me. I believe it is so incredibly important not to estrange anyone you care about, not to burn bridges, and always keep doors open. With this blog post, I'm making a promise to myself, and more importantly to my friends, that I will always find a way - no matter how small or insignificant my efforts may seem - to stay in touch with them. I want my friends to know that no matter how far away my life may take me, they will always be in my heart!

Long Distance

Physical/spatial distance, I have learned, is much much different than emotional distance. I have been in two different long-distance relationships in the past 5 years and have discovered that being near each other doesn't always make you closer to someone. My roommate is currently in a long-distance relationship that is extremely healthy, and both her and the bf are extremely happy. On the other hand, B and I live one city away from each other (~13 miles or so), and the dynamics of our relationship are so different from my roomie and her bf.

My first LD relationship was with my high school bf. We had been together for almost a year and a half when I moved away from home to go to college in Santa Barbara. We tried to make it work for a few months, but as time progressed, our lives took different paths. He was three years older than me and not making much of his life. That is one thing I can not stand for. His job was a joke and he was taking one or two bull shit classes at our local community college and living with his parents (and two older sisters who were equally useless). I, however, was extremely busy with my first year of college: searching for a job and eventually finding one, making new friends, adjusting to my new course load and study habits, etc. We tried to talk on the phone every night but I got pretty busy studying and attempting to have a social life. Eventually, I ran out of time and energy for our relationship and had to end it. I knew I didn't need it, and we weren't on the same page. Done.

My next LD relationship began as a LD relationship. Shortly after my breakup with LD#1, my grandmother took our family to Hawaii for Christmas. Long story short, I met a guy there. He lived in Canada and had an awesome family (our families hit it off on the beach day 1 of the vaca; we were the last two of the group to meet). We exchanged emails and kept in touch, swapped pictures, etc. Eventually we started talking on the phone. After 4 months of getting to know each other pretty well over the phone, he flew down to visit me. We became a couple. We talked on the phone every night, even though we had very different schedules. We found a way. We also found a way to visit each other whenever we could. We took turns flying back and forth to visit each other every 6-8 weeks or so. Eventually, he moved down to Santa Barbara to go to school and try out a new city. It was great to finally be together! However, we eventually started getting on each others' nerves (we did NOT live together, btw) and didn't have the same goals. I am extremely focused and self-motivated and I love school. He was the opposite. And, he didn't have a job. Eventually, we broke up. We both knew it was coming for about a month or so beforehand, but neither one of us wanted to say it. I finally did, and it was hard, but we are okay now and there are no hard feelings. It was a healthy and mature breakup. We have both moved on.

Now, my roomie (SC) is in a relationship with a guy from home (she's from San Francisco but lives in Santa Barbara currently) whom she dated for a summer three years ago. They began corresponding through email in February of this year, he came to visit one weekend in March, and then they got together. He comes to SB very often to visit, and she goes home whenever she can. The longest they have gone without seeing each other is 2 weeks. They text each other all day, are always on the phone, and write posts to each other on facebook. Basically, they're obsessed with each other.

My boyfriend,who lives in the neighboring city, hates talking on the phone. He has an iPhone, but only uses it for all the apps. He rarely has conversations that last longer than 3 minutes, and isn't very good at responding to texts. He goes on facebook every day, but only plays games and occasionally writes on peoples' walls. Never mine, though. It's nearly impossible to get him excited about things or have a conversation about anything semi-serious. SC is jealous because B and I potentially get to see each other every day, if we so choose. However, I am jealous because her bf actually talks to her, and likes it! And, she doesn't have to force him! Also, (although I would never make a big deal about this to B for fear of his reaction) SC's boyfriend loves her; he says it to her, and he says it to everyone he can. He is so happy to be in a relationship with her that he wants the whole world to know. Of this fact, I am envious.

Yes, B and I could spend every moment of every day together if we wanted to - I know SC and her boy would if they could. But that does not make up for the fact that we don't have the same kind of communication. I'm not asking that he talks to me every second we're together, or call me every three hours to keep me informed of everything that he does during the day. But he won't talk to me about anything. I take that back - sometimes, if I interrogate him, he'll talk to me about what's going on with him. But it's like pulling teeth. It's frustrating for him that I want him to talk to me more, to open up and let me in; but its equally frustrating for me that he won't talk, and shows no desire to.

Lately I've just been feeling defeated and complacent. If he doesn't want to talk, fine. I'm over it. But I'm not...I still need and want him to open up to me. I only bring it up to him every once in a while now, but I can't help feeling its all in vain. I think I'm almost out of options, but I'm not quite ready to give up. *sigh* I wish he showed the same enthusiasm towards me as Miles (his amazing dog) does!!

Also, for those of you who may be in long-distance relationships, don't give up! Although this post may have seemed somewhat pessimistic, I truly believe that LD's can be quite successful. I caution you to not turn a blind eye to things that may be happening while you're not around; however, it is also foolish and detrimental to start assuming or imagining things that aren't really happening. To everyone in a relationship of any kind, I wish you all luck and love!

A Few Bad Days

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Hey all!! Sorry I haven't been writing at all the past five days or so...I've been extremely busy with school and everything else and just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been taking my "meds" lately, but the past few days I still haven't been myself...

As usual, I've been keeping myself very busy (some would say I'm too busy). I just started taking some classes at my local community college in order to be able to apply to the Masters in Nursing program I want to get into. Since these classes are science labs, and my life already seems to be over-scheduled, things are about to get a little hectic!

In order to keep myself from going absolutely insane, I am trying to find fun recreational activities to participate in without being completely hammered (Santa Barbara is quite a party town, so sometimes it gets hard to find activities that DON'T involve intoxication...especially during summertime). This summer, my boyfriend, his roommate, my roommate, and myself ("The Fam") have started throwing some balls around at our local bowling alley :) Our friend has been a bowling league before - albeit years ago - but the rest of us are just learning. We decided that we would join a 'Sunday Fun League' so that we're not competing with the pros.

We started doing this just for fun, but now we're really starting to get into it! (With the exception of my man, all of us are very competitive people. We know that we're not the best bowlers in the alley, but we definitely won't let ourselves be the worst!!) Last night (Tues) we went bowling, without my roomie, and got the best lane and arrived right when happy hour began. *By the way, this bowling alley is the only one in about a 70 mile radius and has around 40 excellent beers on tap,many of which are their own labels. My favorite thing about this bowling gig is the $4, 22oz "Shock Top" beer that has hints of orange in it. Soooo gooood...*

Anyway, I was bowling absolutely terrible last night and the boys were doing pretty well, as usual. Normally I don't care that I suck, but last night it was really getting to me. I was trying so hard, concentrating on all the tips I've received from the pros and other people, but my ball still seemed to find the gutter more often than it should have. While I hate getting a terrible score, I was mostly upset with myself.

I am definitely my harshest critic, and when I put my energy into something only to receive no reward, I get frustrated. Efficiency is one of my main objectives in a task, so when I set out to accomplish something and don't get instant gratification, I struggle. I understand that many things take time to develop, but this was different. My moods and emotions are difficult for me to control: I never know when I'm going to have a good day, or a "bad" day, even when I'm taking my pills religiously.

Although not nearly as severe as before I was medicated, these "bad days" (when my depression is prominent) really effect me, even when I try to push those negative thoughts out of my mind. I don't think I'll ever stop being my own worst enemy as far as criticism goes, and I know I'm always gonna have "bad days" on occasion. It's during these times that I really lean on my boyfriend (we'll start calling him B), and last night at the alley, he reminded me that sucking at bowling doesn't make me a bad person. No matter how hard I tried to sit alone in the corner and drink my delicious happy hour beer until it was my turn again, he kept bringing me into his arms and trying to cheer me up.

I finally let his dorky jokes and kisses bring me out of my funk for a little bit, but it slowly crept back shortly after we arrived home. He snuggled me close last night, as my Ambien took me away to a land of strange and semi-satisfying sleep. When I woke up next to him this morning, I remembered that I don't have to be perfect. I am who I am, and that's perfect enough.

Happy Things

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Yesterday I was reading a post on Oh, Mishka entitled Cheer Up. She had been in a funk and asked her reader what kind of things cheered them up. I replied and it sparked my idea for this post!

Things that cheer me up when I'm down:

A GOOD CRY When you're feeling sad, don't be afraid to let it out!! Hiding your feelings is one of the worst things you can do to yourself (emotionally). Crying is a natural response to hurt and sadness; it is supposed to be cathartic...so just let it happen.

SNUGGLING Whether it's with my boyfriend, the pups, or the 8,000 pillows on my bed, cuddling up and just relaxing helps to soothe the nerves. Don't talk, don't stress...just be.

SHOPPING As every woman knows, shopping is like grandma's chicken soup: a cure-all. Being out and about takes your mind off your worries, and doing something fun for yourself (and by yourself) can also be cathartic. When I'm doing my "shopping therapy," I usually just try a bunch of things on, carry them around the store for a while, then put everything back on the racks and go home. Or I'll but some things, take them home and leave them in the bag for a day or two, then go return them! Just the act of shopping is therapeutic for me, not the actual possession of new goodies.

YOGA I am a firm believer in the healing powers of habitual yoga practice and I truly enjoy doing it. Besides the physical exercise and accompanying release of endorphins, yoga also exercises the mind. It heals the mind and body simultaneously, and lets you really escape to your innermost self. A yoga class is an excellent place for making self-realizations, or just clearing your mind of all the crap that is going on around you.

MILES My boyfriend's dog Miles is my baby. He loves me, and I love him. Just looking into this dog's eyes can make me feel better, and he is very loyal and receptive of me. He knows when I'm sad and licks me until I give into him. He'll then either cuddle up with me, or force me to play with him. Whatever the activity, I swear that dog has incredible healing powers that a human can not offer.

FOOD As you'll probably soon learn about me, I love to eat! I love to go out to different restaurants, try new foods/drinks, and just snack in general. It's a very satisfying feeling. If you're feeling down, try treating yourself to your favorite meal or chocolate-covered snack!

A GOOD BOOK I have to read a lot of textbooks and scientific research papers for school, so it's not very often that I get to choose a book on my own and read it for leisure. When I'm in a funky mood, I'll set my academic obligations aside (you can't study effectively anyways if your mind is clouded with other troubles) and read a book of my choosing. I love classic literature, but my "reading therapy" usually consists of some kind of "girly" book. Some personal favorites include Eat, Pray, Love (which any woman should read, and probably reread), and books by Candace Bushnell (inspiration for Sex and the City).

DRIVING I find driving very therapeutic. It's a completely different experience when you're not driving to anywhere in particular. Sometimes I just drive around and explore different areas of the city, or I'll pick a destination (like a coffee shop, or even a gas station) and take the long way.

MUSIC Even for those who aren't avid or obsessional music lovers, listening to your favorite songs will cheer you up...or at least take your mind to another place for a little bit. Again, catharsis can be easily initiated by the right combination of sounds and lyrics. I often make a playlist on my computer just for that occasion, depending on what kind of mood I'm in.

A NAP Being upset often makes you tired, so a nap will physically be good for you. Some sleep will also help to clear your mind and make those problems seem at least a little smaller. Naps can be very refreshing (if you actually sleep) and will give you the energy and clarity of mind to tackle those emotional demons.

HAIR-DOS When I'm alone, I like to experiment with different hair styles. Many girls do this with makeup, which is also fun. But I already have a knack for doing makeup, so I focus my negative energies on my unruly hair. It not only gives your mind something else to do, but you might also stumble upon some new look that really works for you!

BEING ALONE When I'm in a funk because of personal issues (especially my depression, or perhaps certain issues with my boyfriend), I prefer to be alone. Many of the previous items on this list are activities that I do alone, and can only be done alone. I don't want to project the gray cloud over my head onto other people, so I just tuck myself away somewhere soothing until I can be around humanity again.

NOT BEING ALONE Sometimes there are those issues in your life that will only go away if you're distracted by another person. In some depressions, being alone is not a good thing. When I'm in these type of moods, I make my situation worse by stewing over things in my head. This often leads to the manifestation of more problems, many of which are completely fabricated in my emotionally clouded head. Going out with the girls for a night on the town, or going to a movie with the man are good distractions from the dangerous workings of your own mind.

These are just a few of the things that cheer me up in general. Of course, there are always situations in which these may not work, or another uplifting opportunity arises. You just have to see what works for you. Check out the comments on the blog I mentioned earlier for more suggestions. Also, I would love your comments about what brings you out of a funk!!

Have a beautiful day everyone! Keep your head up and a smile in your heart (and hopefully on your face)!

New Friends

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I just want to take a minute to give a quick shout out to those of you who just started following my blog :) It feels great, as a brand new blogger, to find some people with common (or completely uncommon) interests. I'll be following all of your blogs as well (and updating my blog roll soon), and comments are always welcome!

I also wanted to endorse 20SB, where I'm sure I "met" most of you. It's a great network for new bloggers like myself, and people just looking for some great reading material! I check my own blog way more often than I check 20sb, so I want to comment back to all of you and say THANKS! I look forward to blogging with you in the future!!! :)

Have a beautiful day everyone, I'll be drowning in homework for the next few hours until work. Ugh. I guess whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger...or smarter...or at least alive!

Midnight Munchies

It's nearing 1AM and I'm not tired yet. In fact, I'm starving!! Maybe not malnourished-die-of-starvation-hungry, but I could eat.

I'm a chronic snacker. My grandma calls me a grazer; this reminds be of a cow, but I suppose it's better than being a pig!

Whenever it's nearing what normal people consider "bed time," I always get hungry. I'm not sure if it's my body procrastinating getting in to bed and attempting for hours to fall asleep, or if my metabolism is speeding up, or what. But it makes me crazy!

When I snack before I bed I tend to munch on more than I should/need. But if I don't eat, that's all I'll think about while I try to sleep. I suppose, in a twisted sort of way, it's a good thing. Concentrating on my stomach takes my mind off of bigger problems.

However, I think tonight is one of those nights that calls for some blueberries and a sleeping pill. I need to be ready to face a looooong day of studying and writing tomorrow!

Hello, I'm Medicated

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I had a doctor's appointment this morning in which I had to get two refills of pills that I am currently taking. When I came home to put them away, I realized that my body is functioning not on my own accord, but thanks to modern medical technology.

Now, I don't necessarily consider this a bad situation. I know that many people don't want to take pills because they don't want people to stereotype them, or they don't want their bodies to be "unnatural," or whatever other reason. Many medications are synthesized in labs, but many still contain natural products and the chemicals synthesized for medical usage are broken down in the body the same as the natural substances.

I've long had sleep issues, as I've mentioned many a time, as well as anxiety, depression, etc. I have pills for all of these things, and for the most part they really help me live my daily life. For a long time, I didn't seek help because I didn't want physical evidence of my problems. I tried to deal with the underlying issues, but that alone wasn't enough. I am so grateful for medical advances and I love my pills :) I'm not a pill head or an addict or anything, but I've found that denial is no way to get better. So I do have to take multiple pills every day/night. Oh well! It's worth the extra 30 seconds every morning to take my meds than to suffer through a day without them.

I love my life. I loved it before the depression and anxiety, and tried so hard to find that same love for life during the bad times. But it seemed impossible. But now I'm better. Things are much easier. I know that it's a bad habit to repress feelings and not tackle problems head-on. So I don't. And I recommend the same to anyone. It's better to suffer temporarily while smoothing out a little rough patch than to let it develop into a stormy sea of undealt-with emotions. Trust me.

My First Gray Hair

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As I was brushing my teeth this morning I discovered my first gray hair. Absolutely devastated! I joked a few posts ago about finding a gray hair and now I have one! I can't believe it....what is happening?!?

My life has always been hectic and on the verge of "out of control" but my beautiful hair has always been one of my blessings. I didn't pluck it out, though. I thought I would keep it for a while and see if anyone else notices it. If not, it might be my good luck charm!

It's not fair that as men age, their gray hairs say "wisdom and experience." When women age, our gray hair says "I never got enough sleep (for whatever reason)."

Do women have some sort of genetic disposition to stress that causes us to age much less gracefully than our male counterparts? Or do we just devote ourselves to more things and put others first, in a way that men do not? I'd like to know what you think.

What gives YOU gray hair?

Re: Sleep

So glad I posted that blog yesterday...it was the proof I needed that writing out some of my problems/issues/feelings would help me solve them. My bf and I got back into the swing of things and had our usual mind-blowing sex last night. He wasn't too up for talking about his issues, but he's finally coming back around to his old self.

Although we still have our usual sleeping issues, we woke up feeling happy (albeit tired) this morning. My day is way too busy to take a nap, but at least I can concentrate on studying, rather than worrying about my relationship. I feel refocused on my priorities and am getting organized today so I can get through my to-do list.

Sleep_______

Sleep in.
Sleep over.
Sleep...never.

These are just a few of the things my boyfriend and I do together (along with his dog Miles!)

Both of us are night owls and stay up watching late night TV, even when we have to be up the next morning. We don't live together so we spend the night at each others' place 3-5 nights a week. Sleeping over increases the likelihood of us sleeping in. And in general, we both have some sleeping issues, especially me. I have pills for that, but I don't like taking them very often...

We used to also lose some sleep at our sleepovers because of grown-up activities (i.e. sex), but lately it hasn't been an issue. For some reason, sex has. Now, we aren't one of those couples that requires intercourse every other hour, but we used to have it on a regular basis and it was amazing. The best sex both of us have ever had. My bf is pretty timid so I was often the one to get the ball rolling in bed, so to speak; but the past couple weeks he doesn't have much of a desire to be intimate. At all.

This situation has really made me nervous and I've tried talking to him about it, but he always has nothing to say. He never has answers for me. I try not to be pushy or crazy or anything like that (the usual factors that make guys shy away), but nothing seems to work and he won't get to the root of the problem. I tried all last night to figure this thing out, but to no avail. He says its not me, that he doesn't want to break up, that he still wants me, that there's nobody else (which is the thing I believe the most), but there is still no answer.

I left his house today after a fun morning of taking the dog to the beach, and trying one last time to talk to him. Again, nothing. I even gave him the opportunity when none of his housemates were home, and he didn't take the bait. His dog was more upset for me to leave than my bf was. WTF?!?! I love Miles to death but a dog shouldn't have more feelings than a person!! Anyways, I tried to come home an study, but couldn't get my mind off of our suffering sex life. I was to tempted to call or text him just to get my mind off it, but I didn't. I figured I should give it a rest.

As much as I just want this thing to go away, I don't think it will. If anything goes away from this relationship it'll be our sex life...or worse, me. Through watery eyes last night I said to my man: "I can't be the girlfriend that your afraid to talk to. I can't be the girlfriend you don't have sex with. I can't be the girlfriend you don't want to spend time with. And I can't be the girlfriend who can't be loved." To this, he said nothing. Just a nod.

I can't live with just an acknowledgment of what I said. I need answers. I need actions. Most of all, I need him to show emotions. I'm almost convinced that he doesn't have any. He can get angry, but he can't love....I don't get it. I don't want to lose my mind, but I also don't want to lose my man.

5 Things I Love About My Boyfriend

There are plenty of things that I enjoy about my honey, but today, these are my top five:

His eyes. His big, beautiful, blue eyes are so easy to get lost in. He has long eyelashes (which he hates) that bring out his eyes and make me stare into them all the time. Probably my favorite physical feature about him :)

He doesn't know how to flirt. I find this absolutely adorable about him. I don't think it's weird that a 27-year old man still doesn't quite know how to talk to girls. It's adorable, and I never have to worry about him trying to pick up another woman!

He's extremely intelligent. He's the "sexy nerd" type. He's a chemist and often analyzes everything in a very scientific way. And of course there's other nerdy boy things (besides chemicals) that he likes. But he also makes it sexy rather than dorky. He seems to know everything about everything, and if he doesn't, he'll just look up the answer on his iPhone!

He makes me giggle. A lot of people and things can make me laugh, but there's only certain things that bring out my giggle. My boyfriend is one of them. He loves listening to and making fun of my giggle, which makes me giggle even more. I can't put my finger on what brings out the giggles, but he just has that special something.

His dog. I love his dog because he's the best dog on the planet (in our opinion)! But my boyfriend's dog says a lot about him. He trained Miles (the dog), so pretty much everything Miles knows he learned from his daddy! Miles is such a loving, playful, and most importantly loyal dog. These traits - I insist - are a reflection of my man.

Impressionability

I'm at that point in my life where I have no idea what I'm doing. Post-graduate with no real job options in this economy, I feel like I've spent so much money on an education and now I'm even more confused then before! Every possibility that crosses my mind sounds like the best one at the time. Am I so eager to so something with my life that at this point I'll do anything?

My degree is in biology, which was chosen almost at random. My minor in English reflects what I'm truly good at and more passionate about. I love reading and writing and have a knack for it. But at the time I finally declared a major, science was the route I chose because it was interesting and very challenging. Now that I'm done with school, everything seems challenging. My prospective career path is in nursing; however, nearly all nursing programs in the state of CA are impacted so there is about a two year wait list. In the mean time, what shall I do...? I'm trying to pick up some freelance writing jobs, even unpaid just to get my name out there. I'm currently working on some writing projects for a local artist, but I'm realizing that this "unpaid experience" thing isn't going to pay my bills. I need to do something, go somewhere....I don't know....it's that quarter-life crisis.

I love to travel and have been wanting to get back out there, but being a student, it is difficult to save the kind of money needed for such a trip. Last night one of my good friends had a going away party that I missed out on because I was to work. She is leaving on Sunday to study abroad in Paris for 4 months, and I am sooo jealous. As someone who loves to explore new things, new places, new food, new culture...Paris is somewhere that I would looove to visit while I'm young. I've been talking about it for sometime, but now that my life is temporarily going nowhere, it seems like a great time to hop on a plane and explore a new city! With my friend living there for a few months, the desire to go stay with her for a couple weeks and refresh my spirits is all too tantalizing. I have some money saved up in a travel account, and a trip like this would probably deplete it (as I know I wouldn't be able to control my shopping and eating habits in a city like Paris). But every time I see or hear anything about Paris, I'm so tempted to go. Granted, I've been impulsive like this about most of the doors that I have tried to open in the past few weeks, but why shouldn't I be? Is this impressionability the result of being a lost and confused post-grad with very few options? Or is this just my free-spirited self seeing an opportunity that won't last much longer?

The answer to these questions seems to lie somewhere in between. I'm having a hard time figuring it out, and I think the answer I'm looking for (or at least part of it) might be in Paris...

Coffee Shops

I love coffee. Especially iced coffee. I love the smell of coffee and the swirly patterns caused by the addition of half&half that change with each cup. Mmmmmm.....

What accentuates great coffee even more is a great coffee shop. I'm one of those college students that does as much studying in coffee shops as I do in the library. I frequent different Starbucks as well as local coffee houses; and while Starbucks usually offer more tables, chairs, and outlets, non-chain coffee shops bring a comforting uniqueness and local flavor.

One local coffee shop about a mile from my apartment offers tons of tables and chairs (both inside and on a covered patio outside), but has a lack of electrical outlets for my laptop. Despite this one dramatic flaw, I love this place! I go there often and most of the employees, as well as the owner, know me by name. It's comforting. They're always friendly and helpful, plus the WiFi is free!!

Although coffee shops naturally emit more distracting sounds than a University library, it's always a nice change of pace, and you never know what experiences may await you! So even if you're not a student in search of new study hangouts, I recommend to anyone who needs to work on a laptop or just relax and read a book to start checking out local coffee shops. Enjoy the sights, sounds, scents, and of course, the coffee!!

I do?

Last weekend my best friend said two of the most binding words in the English language, "I do." I remember the phone conversation in which she told me her boyfriend proposed to her and how ecstatic we both were at that moment. We've known each other since we were 3 years old, and from the moment we figured out what a wedding was, we began planning ours. Although her wedding wasn't the extravagant beach wedding full of family and friends that she talked about as a bright-eyed 5th grader, it was still beautiful, and so is she. Although she has two fabulous older sisters, she chose me to be the Maid of Honor...and I was honored. The problem with the situation, however, was that she moved to Idaho almost 2 years ago to be with her man, and I'm still in Southern California. I felt so bad to not be able to help her plan the wedding because I was so far away. Her entire family is far away. She did a great job planning things with the help of some of her new Idaho friends, but I still felt I let her down in a way.

I arrived in Idaho after spending the day in airports and airplanes and stayed up late chatting with my long-lost sisters. After a night of catching up and giggling like teens on a sugar-high at a sleepover, we got no sleep and felt the consequences for the rest of the weekend. The days seemed long and everyone was pretty cranky from the continuous lack of sleep, but I hadn't seen her entire family in so long it didn't matter. The only person I really didn't get to catch up with was the bride herself. I was a bit put off and pretty hurt by her actions that weekend, but what could I do? She's the bride, and I decided to let her be. Her entire family, including myself, had to travel hundreds of miles and countless hours to be at her wedding - an event that we wouldn't have missed for the world. She seemed to forget all this, though, only spending time with her husband and his family and the people from her church that she sees all the time. Granted, the groom's family doesn't live in Idaho, but they're just over the border into the next state and get to see the happy new couple quite often. Like her family, I was offended that I spent so much time and money and energy getting to this wedding , and she didn't seem to appreciate one bit of it. After barely getting a goodbye and being almost sickened by her complete loss of independence, I boarded my flight back to LA and got lost in a book. On the drive home from LAX, I let some tears out - tears of joy that my best friend was happily in love, and tears of sadness that she didn't think she needed her family in her life now that she has a husband to take care of her.

That got me to thinking about myself (of course - it's human nature!)...my best friend, my sister that I grew up with, is MARRIED. wtf??? When did we grow up? I just graduated from college, many of my friends are getting married, having kids, even buying houses already!!! Since when?!? I was in shock at how grown up we apparently were, but how not grown-up I felt. Am I really an adult? Is tying the knot really right around the corner already? I better start checking for gray hairs soon...I would hate for one to sneak up on me like this wedding did. Then I started thinking about my boyfriend. He's 5 years older than me, but he already has a few gray hairs. Uh-oh...here comes the quarter-life crisis.

My boyfriend and I had an interesting start to our relationship, but we finally settled into each other and made it official six months ago. He knows that I care about him more than anything, and during an argument in which he wasn't listening to my point I told him that I love him. He knows this already, but it's so different to say it out loud. He, on the other hand, has never said it to me. He "loves" hanging out with me, or "loves" when I massage his hands and feet, but he hasn't declared that he "loves" ME. This doesn't necessarily upset me, but it makes me wonder what our future holds. My best friend just turned 22, her husband is 29. I'm 22, by boyfriend is 27. Shouldn't he be getting close to that age where he wants to take his life seriously and start thinking about his future? I want him to commit to me enough to say those three little words. I mean, isn't that all a girl really wants? To love and be loved (and maybe a cute pair of shoes here and there)? I need to hear those words from him at some point. I know this, and I'm pretty sure he does too. However, how far behind those words is the thought of marriage? THIS thought freaked the hell out of me. I'm not a grown-up yet, I thought. I have a degree, and hopefully soon something that resembles a career...but MARRIAGE? NO WAY!! So upon returning to my wonderful boyfriend after the wedding, I decided that if more time is what he needs, then I can wait a little longer to hear those words.

Girlfriends!

As I mentioned before, I just graduated from University, and I currently have an awesome roommate. I met this great girl by chance in a dorm setting; we were placed together in an off-campus apartment for freshman students and we've been roommates ever since! This is our fourth year living together so, as you can imagine, we've become quite close. We definitely have our differences every once in a while, but we never really fight about things. We're adult enough to know when an issue needs addressing, so we do. If not, then it was probably petty and goes away in a day or so (I mean, every girl gets a period, ya know?!) Anyways, we've developed some habits over the years...some good, some not quite as good...whatever. But one of our favorite things to do on the weekends when we know we're not obliged to "go out" is buy a decent bottle of white wine (or maybe not so decent if it's near the end or first of the month) and have a chick flick marathon. We usually finish at least a bottle between the both of us, 2-3 glasses each. Sometimes we rent a girly (not boyfriend-friendly) movie while we indulge. Usually though, we watch Sex and the City. I own every season on DVD and we both have a copy of the movie. Although we've already seen every episode, we haven't seen them all in order, so this was out summer goal.

Tonight we polished off another bottle of wine, 2 glasses each, and watched another disc of SATC. Sadly, we are in the middle of season six...the final season. Although the wine and sleep deprivation made us a bit giddy, we weren't happy to see the end of our marathon draw to a close so soon. However, this bittersweet moment - like so many we've had before (dramatic as they may be) - made us realize how lucky we are to have each other. Another one of our strange habits - that only my mother understands - is home-popping some popcorn to go with our fancy-shmancy wine! We pop a pot of corn; I sprinkle only garlic salt on mine while she adds some Chalula sauce to hers. It may sound weird, but this is one of our favorite and most honored traditions as roommates: home-style popcorn and white wine. With our windows open, floor fan on high, and wine and popcorn in hand, two fun-loving girls spent a great Friday night inside. Most of our friends are out partying as I type this blog, but we are completely satisfied with our "old lady" Friday night. So for any of you girls that feel obliged to party it up on a Friday/Saturday night, maybe you should call up a great girlfriend or two, crack open some wine and some girly viewings, and have a bonding sesh! You don't have to roll curlers into your hair or have a pillow fight in your pj's to have a girls night, but I want to remind ladies of all ages to not be afraid to use one of your most valuable resources: YOUR GIRLFRIENDS!!!

Welcome!

Well...this is my first time "blogging" and to be quite honest I have no idea what I'm doing! I like to write and usually have a lot to say, so I figured I would give this a shot and see what happens. I'm a 22-year-old graduate of UCSB, and like many people in my situation, am facing the "quarter-life crisis." I've always been considered mature for my age by adults, but as I get older I sometimes feel that I'm regressing. Now that I have a degree from an outstanding University, I'm supposed to go out into the "real world" and find a job. Or I can delay this dreaded reality a little bit longer and attempt to get into Graduate school. Right now I'm stuck between these two options and am quickly running out of financial aid money to support myself in this expensive community. I have a job that barely pays the bills, but it's part time and not advancing me towards a career. I have a great roommate and a great boyfriend here, but they seem to lack guidance themselves and aren't helping my situation much.

I've spread myself thin for years and years, always helping other people to achieve what they want. I'm good at helping people. I'm also good at knowing what people want, and delivering. Now this is a good strategy when trying to get ahead and be on the good sides of the right people...at least for a while. However, it is this special talent of mine that has led to part of the breakdown that is My Quarter-Life Crisis.

My family has a history of anxiety disorders and this curse has not skipped over me. For most of my life though, I've been able to deal with any mental or emotional issues I may have. I'm good at talking and am not really afraid to say what's on my mind. However, a depression has come over me that I've been shrugging off for years, and trying to cover up with work and school and social obligations. Now don't get me wrong, these things aren't just a cover up. I love school, I like keeping busy at work, and I'm a very social person. However, I was hiding my true anguish underneath all these things that I "loved" doing, and finally reached my breaking point. Besides seeking professional help/medication, etc., I decided I would no longer try to cover it up. That's what inspired me to finally test the waters of writing my life on the internet.

As I mentioned earlier, I don't know much about blogging. Actually, I don't know anything about blogging. I don't know who, if anyone, will even read this. But for those of you who somehow stumble upon this humble post of mine, your comments are more than welcome! This isn't just going to be a depressing rant of some tortured soul. I live a fun life and interesting things happen to me all the time! I have terrible luck, I'm really clumsy, I have great sex, great friends, and a loving family. My intention for this blog is to express anything and everything. While I would love to live the luxurious life of Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw, writing a fun and witty column once a week and buying $5000 Prada dresses to fill up an amazing walk-in closet in a bustling city, I figure this is a start. Besides, I've never even been in a Prada store and am too short for most of that crap anyways.