Upside Down

I feel like my life is upside-down right now. I have a lot of good things in my life, and I can see that. But I'm not where I want to be, and I feel like I will never get there. B and my family are encouraging, but to me it's not realistic; it's not what I want.

I feel that it is impossible to find a job that I want. And I'm not even being all that picky. At first I was only searching for jobs in the specific field that I was interested in. Now I'm not only searching for a job in any sort of medical field, but any job at all. There are hardly any seasonal jobs at the mall, let alone a job I want and that will help advance my career. Getting a job even after you have a college degree is much, much harder than they say.

To put the cherry on the sad little cake, I basically have no friends. I have my roommate, who is like my wife: we live together, cook and clean together, pay the bills together, and have things that we do at home together (mostly our dinner dates and TIVO watching rituals), but I feel she gets bored of me easily because we live together. She invites me to things less and less; when our mutual friends ask why I haven't been around I don't know what to say. I would love to hang out with them more, but I didn't get an invite. People assume she will invite me because we live together and are good friends, but this isn't always the case. I don't want to ask her to invite me out more, because then I sound like a crazy person. Then again, I don't want to tell her that I don't have friends anymore and I really need these social interactions that aren't at work. I have fellow employees, but aren't really close to any of them because only one of us is working at a time. My roommate works with all girls so she has quite a few work friends and girlfriends. I, on the other hand, have mostly male friends (which I don't mind, but they aren't quite the same as having close girlfriends), and don't get many chances to hang out with my co-workers. Many of my friends here in Santa Barbara have graduated and moved on, so I have very few remaining. My roommate still has over a year 'til graduation, so hasn't faced this problem yet, and I feel like she doesn't understand.

I also have B and I am grateful for that, but he also does not sympathize with my problem. Most of his close friends are in another state, but this doesn't bother him too much, as he is not a very social person to begin with. He would rather be alone than not, so he doesn't see it as a negative situation that I don't have many friends. I still have my friends from home, but they aren't here with me and we don't keep in contact as much as any of us would like. For me, this really is a tough situation.

I've been struggling again lately with depression and anxiety, and not having people to talk to is making the issues worse. As much as I try to be happy with all that I have been blessed with, I still feel like I am being tripped in the middle of a busy sidewalk while it is pouring rain. Everyone can see that I am struggling and in dyer need of help, yet no one is willing to help. I'm stuck in this mucky public puddle and desperately need someone to pull me out.

Happy Days

It's been a pretty great week for me. I received a test back in my anatomy class and I have an A, which relieved a lot of stress for me. My boyfriend and I have been getting along wonderfully, and I love him more and more every day.

We had an excellent chat the other night...we talked about things we want in our lives, the future...grown-up things. And, B didn't put up a fight at all! It's a great feeling to get to know someone you care about even deeper than before. I feel that even our short little talk brought us much closer together. This morning, B and I took Miles on a bike ride to Starbucks and just sat outside and enjoyed the weather, and each other. We've figured out when we've had enough of each other and go our separate ways before we annoy the hell out of each other. We can be gross and weird around each other, we know how to make each other laugh and smile, we help each other fall asleep at night. We are at a place right now where we are perfectly content and happy.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I think a lot. I think about everything. I believe this is where my tendency to worry about insignificant things stems from. I'm sure I wouldn't have nearly as much anxiety if I could just figure out a way to make my conscious brain just relax for a bit. But for the most part, I can't. Talking or writing about such bothersome things helps to alleviate some of the needless worries, but sometimes I just can't shake a feeling.

As I've mentioned before - and probably will mention a million times more - B and I have a pretty great relationship. It's admittedly imperfect and that's just fine. We are aware of our imperfections. However, sometimes we have different opinions on where those imperfections lie. For example, I don't think he communicates with me enough. He is aware that I see this as a problem, and he knows that he has a difficult time opening up to people. But he doesn't make much of an effort to open up to me, and this is heartbreaking. He sees communication as only a minor problem, because he doesn't lie to me or deliberately keep details from me. I appreciate this, but I need more.

This, among other issues that arise in our relationship, has been on my mind lately. The hardest thing for me is that I want so bad to solve problems, but he either doesn't see the same problems or doesn't have the desire to change. I respect the fact that he doesn't see everything the way I do - that would be extremely boring. B is also great to talk to because he is such a great listener. However, he is not a great talker. Overall, this makes him not so great at communicating. And when I try to address things, he avoids conversations like the plague. To me, this is hurtful and disrespectful.


I have opened by heart to B, and expect him to [at least attempt to] do the same. I tried to address this issue tonight and unexpectedly started an argument. After I calmed him down, I explained to B how I don't always feel respected. Many people don't understand that sassy comments and rude gestures aren't the only things that hurt people's feelings. Not listening to someone express emotions or feelings to you - or not acting on what you are supposedly listening to - is just as disrespectful as giving someone the finger. Obviously different people are offended or hurt by different things, but I think we as human beings often miss this. The feeling of disrespect is often not exuded the same way anger or fear would be. Granted, disrespect isn't exactly an emotion, but it is still more subtly portrayed than many other strong feelings.

I wanted to end our conversation tonight as quickly as possible so B could breathe again, so I didn't want to stress anything too strongly. But it is difficult for me to handle such feelings of disrespect from my partner when I have it coming from other angles. Co-workers, bosses, classmates, friends....all of these people have made me feel disrespected and unappreciated at one time or another. But it is much easier to brush it off. I told B that sometimes he acts like he doesn't appreciate everything I do for him, everything I have sacrificed for him, all the efforts I make to keep him happy. To me it isn't work, and I don't ask for too much in return. But I at least need to feel respected and appreciated. I lay it all out in the open for him. It would be so amazing and make me so happy to see him show up at my door with some hand-picked flowers, or offer to give me a relaxing massage in candlelight...

Through Other Eyes

I'm just pointing out something that everyone knows by saying this, but here goes: things always look different through someone else's eyes. Everyone has their own opinions and ways of looking at things, thinking about things, dealing with things. It's easy for one person to see things through rose-colored glasses and keep a smile on while others see the end of the world and always have a frown. This thought has manifested itself in many different ways to me in the past couple of days.

I generally hate MTV/VH1, reality TV, idiots competing for cash prizes, etc. However, my roommate and I have a guilty VH1 pleasure: Tool Academy. In this show, girls trick their jackass boyfriends into coming onto a reality TV show where they believe they will get to show the world how fabulous and man-whory they are. Instead, the are crammed into a dorm-style room where there is more testosterone and shit-talking per square foot than a college fraternity house. The "tools" and their girlfriends have to participate in therapy sessions and challenges each week, and one couple is eliminated at the end. Now, I often vent about (or praise) my relationship with B in this blog. Looking back, nothing he does is as bad as these screaming, egotistical, cheating jerks on the show. Sure, B and I have our share of rough patches. But our rough patches could be rougher. Like most couples, we have our communication issues. We can each be selfish at times. We have conflicting interests, but we can usually resolve them quite quickly.
But these guys consistently cheat on their girlfriends, get in pointless fights with other guys, are often unemployed and living off their girlfriends, and sometimes we even get a little baby-mama-drama! My problems pale in comparison. B has never cheated and I am positive he never will. I am more likely to pick a fight with someone than he is. The list goes on. Shows (and real-life situations like these) are my rose-tinted glasses. They aren't disguising my problems, but they put them in a better light for me. It makes me appreciate the things we disagree about. As stressed out as I get sometimes, I always have to remember that things could be worse. Much worse.