Shits and Giggles with the Roomie

This picture always makes me laugh. I sent it to my roommate and she cracked up too. This is the kind of humor we have.

We've both been extremely busy the past few weeks and haven't had much time to hang out lately. We make a last-minute trip to Costco before work the other day and it was the most fun we've had together in a long time. We laughed the entire time. At one point we couldn't even walk through the store because we were laughing so hard. We stopped laughing long enough to look up and see a huge box of Cheez-its open and started laughing hysterically again. People thought we were high as kites, and we thought that was hilarious.

I miss hanging out with her!

We've had a lot of good times together. We used to own this town on the weekends. I'm attempting to make a comeback this weekend.

I love my roomie; she's one of my best friends in the whole wide world!!! I just wanted to give her a shout out as the weekend ends (Tuesday is the beginning of our week).


Live. Laugh. Love.

The Small Things Vol. 1

I've decided to start some kind of a regular posting on this blog, since I set out with no real purpose and have been a terribly bad blogger lately! I apologize for my absence and have no good excuse, for the most part....
Anyways...I'm not always the most observant person on the planet. However, from time to time I take notice of very small things that make a huge difference. So here I will be sharing my opinions about those small things!


flossing
Dental floss is one of those pesky little things to use...I personally hate to touch dental floss. However, I love the feeling of it between my teeth! Through numerous annoying dentist appointments and personal experience, I have discovered the incredibly amazing benefits of flossing.

Now don't get me wrong, this isn't the first time I've ever flossed. But the more often I floss continuously, the better the results. I don't want to jump to any crazy conclusions here, but I would venture to say that flossing is just as beneficial to oral hygiene as brushing, if not more important.

Last weekend, in an incredibly hungover state of mind, I preached to some of my friends about how important flossing is. As I sobered up, I decided I would make this a blog topic. True to my word, I'm preaching to those of you who follow.

Challenge yourself to floss your teeth every day for a week (I prefer flossing before I go to bed, but the choice is yours). Let me know if this changes your life!! :)

happy flossing!!!

Upside Down

I feel like my life is upside-down right now. I have a lot of good things in my life, and I can see that. But I'm not where I want to be, and I feel like I will never get there. B and my family are encouraging, but to me it's not realistic; it's not what I want.

I feel that it is impossible to find a job that I want. And I'm not even being all that picky. At first I was only searching for jobs in the specific field that I was interested in. Now I'm not only searching for a job in any sort of medical field, but any job at all. There are hardly any seasonal jobs at the mall, let alone a job I want and that will help advance my career. Getting a job even after you have a college degree is much, much harder than they say.

To put the cherry on the sad little cake, I basically have no friends. I have my roommate, who is like my wife: we live together, cook and clean together, pay the bills together, and have things that we do at home together (mostly our dinner dates and TIVO watching rituals), but I feel she gets bored of me easily because we live together. She invites me to things less and less; when our mutual friends ask why I haven't been around I don't know what to say. I would love to hang out with them more, but I didn't get an invite. People assume she will invite me because we live together and are good friends, but this isn't always the case. I don't want to ask her to invite me out more, because then I sound like a crazy person. Then again, I don't want to tell her that I don't have friends anymore and I really need these social interactions that aren't at work. I have fellow employees, but aren't really close to any of them because only one of us is working at a time. My roommate works with all girls so she has quite a few work friends and girlfriends. I, on the other hand, have mostly male friends (which I don't mind, but they aren't quite the same as having close girlfriends), and don't get many chances to hang out with my co-workers. Many of my friends here in Santa Barbara have graduated and moved on, so I have very few remaining. My roommate still has over a year 'til graduation, so hasn't faced this problem yet, and I feel like she doesn't understand.

I also have B and I am grateful for that, but he also does not sympathize with my problem. Most of his close friends are in another state, but this doesn't bother him too much, as he is not a very social person to begin with. He would rather be alone than not, so he doesn't see it as a negative situation that I don't have many friends. I still have my friends from home, but they aren't here with me and we don't keep in contact as much as any of us would like. For me, this really is a tough situation.

I've been struggling again lately with depression and anxiety, and not having people to talk to is making the issues worse. As much as I try to be happy with all that I have been blessed with, I still feel like I am being tripped in the middle of a busy sidewalk while it is pouring rain. Everyone can see that I am struggling and in dyer need of help, yet no one is willing to help. I'm stuck in this mucky public puddle and desperately need someone to pull me out.

Happy Days

It's been a pretty great week for me. I received a test back in my anatomy class and I have an A, which relieved a lot of stress for me. My boyfriend and I have been getting along wonderfully, and I love him more and more every day.

We had an excellent chat the other night...we talked about things we want in our lives, the future...grown-up things. And, B didn't put up a fight at all! It's a great feeling to get to know someone you care about even deeper than before. I feel that even our short little talk brought us much closer together. This morning, B and I took Miles on a bike ride to Starbucks and just sat outside and enjoyed the weather, and each other. We've figured out when we've had enough of each other and go our separate ways before we annoy the hell out of each other. We can be gross and weird around each other, we know how to make each other laugh and smile, we help each other fall asleep at night. We are at a place right now where we are perfectly content and happy.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I think a lot. I think about everything. I believe this is where my tendency to worry about insignificant things stems from. I'm sure I wouldn't have nearly as much anxiety if I could just figure out a way to make my conscious brain just relax for a bit. But for the most part, I can't. Talking or writing about such bothersome things helps to alleviate some of the needless worries, but sometimes I just can't shake a feeling.

As I've mentioned before - and probably will mention a million times more - B and I have a pretty great relationship. It's admittedly imperfect and that's just fine. We are aware of our imperfections. However, sometimes we have different opinions on where those imperfections lie. For example, I don't think he communicates with me enough. He is aware that I see this as a problem, and he knows that he has a difficult time opening up to people. But he doesn't make much of an effort to open up to me, and this is heartbreaking. He sees communication as only a minor problem, because he doesn't lie to me or deliberately keep details from me. I appreciate this, but I need more.

This, among other issues that arise in our relationship, has been on my mind lately. The hardest thing for me is that I want so bad to solve problems, but he either doesn't see the same problems or doesn't have the desire to change. I respect the fact that he doesn't see everything the way I do - that would be extremely boring. B is also great to talk to because he is such a great listener. However, he is not a great talker. Overall, this makes him not so great at communicating. And when I try to address things, he avoids conversations like the plague. To me, this is hurtful and disrespectful.


I have opened by heart to B, and expect him to [at least attempt to] do the same. I tried to address this issue tonight and unexpectedly started an argument. After I calmed him down, I explained to B how I don't always feel respected. Many people don't understand that sassy comments and rude gestures aren't the only things that hurt people's feelings. Not listening to someone express emotions or feelings to you - or not acting on what you are supposedly listening to - is just as disrespectful as giving someone the finger. Obviously different people are offended or hurt by different things, but I think we as human beings often miss this. The feeling of disrespect is often not exuded the same way anger or fear would be. Granted, disrespect isn't exactly an emotion, but it is still more subtly portrayed than many other strong feelings.

I wanted to end our conversation tonight as quickly as possible so B could breathe again, so I didn't want to stress anything too strongly. But it is difficult for me to handle such feelings of disrespect from my partner when I have it coming from other angles. Co-workers, bosses, classmates, friends....all of these people have made me feel disrespected and unappreciated at one time or another. But it is much easier to brush it off. I told B that sometimes he acts like he doesn't appreciate everything I do for him, everything I have sacrificed for him, all the efforts I make to keep him happy. To me it isn't work, and I don't ask for too much in return. But I at least need to feel respected and appreciated. I lay it all out in the open for him. It would be so amazing and make me so happy to see him show up at my door with some hand-picked flowers, or offer to give me a relaxing massage in candlelight...

Through Other Eyes

I'm just pointing out something that everyone knows by saying this, but here goes: things always look different through someone else's eyes. Everyone has their own opinions and ways of looking at things, thinking about things, dealing with things. It's easy for one person to see things through rose-colored glasses and keep a smile on while others see the end of the world and always have a frown. This thought has manifested itself in many different ways to me in the past couple of days.

I generally hate MTV/VH1, reality TV, idiots competing for cash prizes, etc. However, my roommate and I have a guilty VH1 pleasure: Tool Academy. In this show, girls trick their jackass boyfriends into coming onto a reality TV show where they believe they will get to show the world how fabulous and man-whory they are. Instead, the are crammed into a dorm-style room where there is more testosterone and shit-talking per square foot than a college fraternity house. The "tools" and their girlfriends have to participate in therapy sessions and challenges each week, and one couple is eliminated at the end. Now, I often vent about (or praise) my relationship with B in this blog. Looking back, nothing he does is as bad as these screaming, egotistical, cheating jerks on the show. Sure, B and I have our share of rough patches. But our rough patches could be rougher. Like most couples, we have our communication issues. We can each be selfish at times. We have conflicting interests, but we can usually resolve them quite quickly.
But these guys consistently cheat on their girlfriends, get in pointless fights with other guys, are often unemployed and living off their girlfriends, and sometimes we even get a little baby-mama-drama! My problems pale in comparison. B has never cheated and I am positive he never will. I am more likely to pick a fight with someone than he is. The list goes on. Shows (and real-life situations like these) are my rose-tinted glasses. They aren't disguising my problems, but they put them in a better light for me. It makes me appreciate the things we disagree about. As stressed out as I get sometimes, I always have to remember that things could be worse. Much worse.

That Time of the Month

Don't worry, this post isn't about blood or nasty girly things. I stumbled upon this online somewhere (don't remember, or else I would give proper and deserved credit!) and thought I should share it with everyone - guys and girls alike. I love this! Enjoy :)

Playing House

B and I don't live together. That would be waaaayy too much for both of us. But, we do spend a fair amount of time at each others' places. We cook for each other. I do his laundry and dishes sometimes (I do my laundry at his place because he has a washer/dryer...my apartment complex has 2 coin-op washers/dryers for 10 families to share). I do chores around his house and buy things for his kitchen. He does fix-it projects at my place. My TIVO is set to record some of his shows. I have a food/water dish for his dog in my kitchen. Basically, we're playing house.

Now, this version of "playing house" is a much more complex and serious version than the games we played with our childhood neighbors. There are emotions involved; we make decisions everyday that could affect the rest of our lives. Playing house as a 'grown-up' has much more serious consequences - both negative and positive. We enjoy spending time with each other, but we can also start to drive each other crazy. We get to see the best and worst of each other. And - I feel like my mom saying this - it's the first experimental step towards a life together.

Moving in with someone too early is one of those things that is horribly detrimental to a relationship. Chances are it would have ended sooner or later, but I've seen many couples move in too early and spend a majority of their relationship arguing and nit-picking rather than enjoying what the other has to offer. As anyone with a roommate knows, living with someone is the best and worst way to get to know someone. I've lived with my roommate for over 4 years, and we know more about each other than friends that we grew up with. My roomie knows me better (in both good and bad ways) than my best friend of 19 years. It's weird! Even the most blissful of couples can turn into enemies by making the move too soon.

Currently, I believe B and I are exactly where we need to be. We can see each other whenever we like, and if it becomes too much, we go to our separate spaces until we make plans to hang out again. We're comfortable and confident enough with each other to say, "You're making me f**king crazy. I'm going home to get away from you. I'll cook us dinner tomorrow. See you at 8, asshole!" It's not a fight, it's honesty - one of the most crucial components of a healthy relationship of any kind. We can tell each other when we're happy, sad, annoyed, worried, etc. There's no judgment. We're in a relationship to support each other, watch and help each other grow, and make our lives more full and meaningful by getting through this life as a team.

I told him last night he makes my life happier. He just smiled and hopped in the shower. This is just as satisfying of a response as him saying that I make his life happier, too. I've learned, by playing house, how to interpret his quirky remarks and actions. He doesn't say I love you, but he cooks for me and holds me close while I sleep. He doesn't ask me to move in, but I keep toiletries at his place and he asks me to share his bed with him. He doesn't say he wants me to bear his children, but he refers to me as (his dog) Miles' mom and himself dad, and trusts me to take care of his most valuable possession - another life. Our relationship/situation may be quite similar or drastically different from many couples; either way, we don't care. We're perfectly content with what we have and where we are at. For us, playing house without sharing house has brought us closer together. We have a healthy relationship and truly enjoy spending time together.

True, I miss the innocent days of 'playing house' in my backyard wearing mommy's apron carrying a doll around. However, growing up - despite the reality of responsibility - definitely has its privileges.

Barefoot and in the Kitchen

I love to cook. I'm not the best cook in the world, but I can make a decent meal. And by cooking I'm talking about actually preparing a home-cooked meal with a personal touch, not just following a recipe.



Coincidentally, my man loves to cook too. And he's not half bad either! He hates following recipes - he's very "stick it to the man" - and he loves experimenting with things. He doesn't have a passion for eating like I do, but he likes to prepare things and watch me eat. I love it!

So we've gotten into the habit lately of preparing meals for each other. It's one of the best ways to show someone how much you love them, honestly. It's a wonderful creative outlet, it's fun, and it feels great to do something for someone else! I love watching him take that first bite. Or sneak out into the kitchen to peek at my surprise dinner for him because it smells too damn good to stay away.

And when the meal is really, truly fabulous....you might even get an offer to do the dishes! I love doing dishes so I don't mind doing them when he cooks, and I usually wash them when I cook. But the point isn't the dishes. The point is, I made him so happy that he wants to do something nice for me. On top of a great meal, the returning of the fuzzy feeling tops off a great night. Plus, a late-night dessert (we're not talking about warm cookies or a scoop of ice cream) will usually follow! ;)

Cinderella, Cinderella

Today, it's time to clean up. My room is becoming a disaster, the carpet is collecting debris from outside, the oven has food stuck on it, and the porcelain in the bathroom no longer sparkles.

To most cleaning the house is a chore and a burden. Not that I'm much different than most, but for some reason, I really enjoy cleaning my house! The only exception to this is my room. I hate putting away clean laundry. It's one of those vicious circles: you take clothes out of your closet, you wear them, you toss them in your hamper, you wash them, you hang them back in your closet, just to take them right back off the hanger. It's annoying! Despite that one little chore, I do enjoy cleaning.

I especially love cleaning the kitchen. I'm not sure why, but doing the dishes and scrubbing the tile is relaxing to me. I'm like that stereotypical housewife who starts cleaning like a madwoman when I'm angry or upset. If my boyfriend says something to piss me off, I love him again after I clean the dishes and scrub the stove. If I had a bad day at school, I'll vacuum the carpet and feel refreshed. Somehow, cleaning a space of your house cleans the space in your mind as well.

Today I'm in a perfectly fine mood. I woke up feeling a little sick, but nothing disabling. Yes, the housework desperately needs to be done. But I don't mind doing it (except the clean clothes in the closet part). By the time I head to work tonight, I'll have accomplished quite a bit around the house. Not only will I have a tidy house, but a refreshed spirit as well.

My Men

I just realized this afternoon that in some of the post involving my boyfriend, I might have portrayed him in a negative light. Granted, I often write when I'm upset...that probably has something to do with it. Okay, it pretty much has everything to do with it.

My boyfriend is great. He's not perfect. But then again, who is? I'm far from it, I know that well. I get annoyed sometimes with him, sure. I'm also sure he gets annoyed with me sometimes. We're both pretty quirky people, but I think we have a pretty great relationship. We make each other happy.

I think one of the things that is difficult for me is that B often has a difficult time expressing himself. He's a great listener, but not a great talker. He doesn't like talking, what can I say?! (Actually, I say a lot in our relationship!) But all of the conversations we've had where I just feel that I'm hassling him have not been in vain.

Since he doesn't do much talking, he does a lot of listening and thinking. He may not catch every word I say, but he's starting to understand the reason I say the things I say. He used to just ignore the fact I was upset because he though I overreacted to everything. (Although I must say, in his defense, before I was regularly medicated, I often did overreact to things. I was over-emotional, but I couldn't help it, couldn't control it. As a sort of defense mechanism, I think B just ignored all of my emotions because they didn't seem like MY emotions...) However I was at his house yesterday and he said some things to make me somewhat upset, so I started to leave the room. The old B would have shook his head and let me walk out. Last night, he stopped me and asked what was wrong. He said I wasn't allowed to leave the room mad. Just him saying that took away any negative feelings I had. It was an amazing feeling; he just lit me up and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :)

Another thing B does is make me feel better by using Miles, his amazing dog that I'm obsessed with! This past week he's been doing the cutest thing ever (and if he reads this, he'll probably blush and do the cute embarrassed smile). He'll send me an email with a picture of the pup and pretend it's written from Miles, to me. It just makes me smile!!! I just want to rush over to his house and snuggle them all night!

That's another great thing about B. He's an awesome snuggler, and as a result of this, his dog is also the best snuggler in the world. If I'm having a bad day, just snuggling up with my man and our little man makes my troubles melt away. In general, falling asleep with them - bad mood or good - makes me feel so special and happy. I love it, and them. Mmmmmm.....

Can I Say "I LOVE YOU".....?

I was at B's house last night and decided to write a blog post. He asked what I was doing, so I told him. Now, he knows I just started blogging - in fact, he's the one that suggested I start. But I didn't expect him to read it. I mean, when I try to talk to him about these things, it seems like he doesn't want to know. But last night, he told me he's been reading my blog. For some reason, that really freaked me out....a lot.

Obviously, anyone can read my blog and I don't mind sharing things with strangers. And sometimes when I write a new post I'll email a text copy to B, but not the actual web address of the post. I was absolutely floored to learn he's read every post I've written, not just the few I've emailed to him personally. At first I didn't even believe him - I thought he was joking (he does that a lot)! But he insisted he reads it. After seeing my admittedly strange reaction to this news, he said he would stop reading if it really bothered me.

It's not the fact that it bothers me that he's reading, it's the fact that I had no idea he was.

I'll confess, sometimes I write things that I would normally say to B - or if I did say it, I wouldn't present it to him the same way I do on my blog. I think the thing that struck me the most, though, was that he's never said anything. He's never mentioned that he reads my blog. He's never brought up any of the topics I talk about in my blog. Maybe it's just me, but that just seems.....not right. I got incredibly nervous last night because I've talked about the apparently taboo topic of saying those three little words, which he's never said to me. I wanted to bring up the fact that he's read this and never mentioned it, but I didn't.

Now I'm awkward about writing blogs in case I say something stupid that he will read, stew about for a while, then never talk to me about. I also feel that I can never bring up the topic of love ever again, because, although we've never actually talked about it, he already knows what I have to say.

I'm not going to stop writing, and I'm not going to tell him to stop reading. It's easy to know what I'm not going to do in this situation....I'm just confused about what I am going to do...

So Much To Do, So Little Time

Yesterday I was procrastinating studying for my final, so I decided to compile all my random little tasks (many of which are on sticky notes lying around the house, my purse, my backpack, the pockets of my work jacket, etc.) into an actual TO-DO LIST. What a concept, I know. Some of these are small little things that I just want to get done and don't take too much time, like painting my toenails :) Other things will take more time and energy, naturally. I generally try to have a list for the month or so, but this is not always possible. I don't sweat it though, I just get as much done as I can and try to prioritize. This, by the way, is much easier said than done (as all you procrastinators out there are well aware of). So, just to keep myself on track, I'm posting my list on my blog!

To-Do in September:

• clean out and wash car - check! Did that last week :)
  
• mail photos to B's mother - she requested a few photos of us to frame at their home...yay!
  
• mail DVDs to my parents
• put away clean laundry - I hate doing this. Honestly, this is the worst part of the entire laundry process.
  
• clean bathroom - and I mean scrub that baby down!
• purge (and organize) closet - I try to do this about once a month. By this, I don't mean getting rid of everything in my entire closet; I just fill up a medium sized grocery or trash bag with all the clothes I don't wear often enough and give them away! It makes me feel good that people who need clothes can actually have access to them, and I make room in my closet for the stuff I actually love and wear! Plus, it leaves me room to buy a new article of clothing :) General rule of thumb: for every bag you get rid of (5-10 items, say), don't buy more than one new thing to replace it. *one new thing = ONE article of clothing, one or two small accessories, etc. NOT an entire outfit!!!
• steam living room and bedroom carpet - my mom has a carpet steam cleaner that she has graciously let me borrow and I think I'm addicted! It's kinda fun and very relaxing to do, plus the results are phenomenal and make you feel great!
• clean laptop - I have a white MacBook that is a little over 3 years old and I've only truly cleaned it once. I clean the screen all the time, but the keyboard is starting to drive me crazy because the oils from my skin are beginning to stain the keys.
• get a new bike - my bike was stolen a while back and I've been borrowing B's to use for school (by the way, pretty much everyone in Santa Barbara bikes in one way or another, and everyone at UCSB rides bikes to campus because most students live less than a mile from campus and there are bike paths everywhere. Biking is a way of life here). I've decided that I need to get a replacement bike because he wants full use of his back (oops!) and I want to drive less and bike more when I am only traveling short distances.
• Sephora.com - I use Clinique facial care products and purchase it form Sephora rather than somewhere else. There is a Sephora store in Santa Barbara, but I prefer to order online for a few reasons: (1) it's easy! I'm not being lazy, I swear...I just really like online shopping; (2) I get cash back on my debit card if I order on Sephora.com; (3) I still get my beauty points whether I order online or purchase in-store. These points are redeemable for free Sephora stuff, btw; (4) for every online order, you get to choose three free samples! That's right ladies, free designer samples. Three of them. And you get to pick them out! As a working girl and a student with no money, this is a great way to get little things you need/want (like moisturizers and perfumes) with little or no cost to you!!!
• hit the gym! - I work at a private health club, and I enjoy the atmosphere there. One of the perks of being an employee here is that we receive a complimentary all-access gym membership. I definitely do not take advantage of this as much as I would like to. I intend to change that.
• read a book - for the past four years I've been so busy with school and/or work that I rarely have time to relax and read a book for leisure. I enjoy reading, and didn't mind doing the assigned reading for my English and Literature classes, but this took away from my personal book time. I miss my personal book time.
  

Thoughts for Today

A Trip Down Memory Lane

image source

So I didn't get anything posted this weekend...oops! I did, however, get to spend some quality time with my parents and my man! The reason I was home this weekend is because of my best friend's wedding reception. Once again, I didn't get much of a chance to actually visit with her. Or anyone else, for that matter.

I don't get to see my parents too often, so it was really nice to hang out and catch up with them all weekend. We had dinners together, went bowling, cleaned out the garage...wait, was that on my fun list??

I did have a lot of fun catching up with my family, and they had fun getting to know B and Miles a little better. While I was there, they made me go through all my boxes in the garage. (When I moved to Santa Barbara it was pretty last minute, so I didn't get a chance to properly go through my bedroom to get rid of crap I didn't want or need. So they boxed everything up and put it in the garage so they could turn my bedroom into an office.) This was, of course, a daunting task. One that my parents have been begging me to come home and tackle for quite some time now. My mom, being the wonderful and loving woman that she is, kept me company in that hot dusty garage-turned-storage-unit.

I already knew I was going to get rid of most of the stuff out there. I knew that a couple boxes had some keepsake items, and those I kept. (My parents are letting me keep a few boxes in the garage. A girl can't throw away everything she's accumulated in the first eighteen years of her life!!) I got rid of all my old clothes, shoes, etc. Junk I've learned that I don't need.

That's one great thing about getting older: you really do get wiser. College degree or not, life teaches you invaluable lessons that an expensive university education cannot.

Believe it or not, I actually had fun going through those old dusty boxes. All the photographs I've accumulated over the years that tell the story of my life were piled into a couple tattered cardboard boxes. There were pictures from my childhood in that garage that I hadn't seen in years! I kept running inside to show my brother hilarious pictures of us and our childhood friends - many of whom we are still good friends with. It was quite cathartic to see their faces again and briefly relive all those precious moments we shared in our innocence. I could go on and on for hours about those golden days, and maybe in some blog I will, but I found some other treasures in those boxes as well.

I found a shoebox full of old notes - notes from my middle school friends, love letters from boys I used to know...aah, the memories came flooding back. My girlfriends and I had nicknames for each other (I assume this was to protect our true identities in case our juicy notes fell into the wrong hands), and in some cases I could not identify the author of said notes. Many of these girls I am still friends with; many, I am not.
I found notes from old boyfriends (or boys who desperately wanted to be my boyfriend). Some of them were expressing their love for me. Some were apologies for hurting me. I even found a poem that one guy wrote to me - it wasn't of high literary quality, but it was original and expressive - that prompted us to start dating. I found one from a guy friend with a complicated history. We're still friends today and we do keep in touch (unlike most of my actual ex-boyfriends), but this note really pulled on some heartstrings for numerous reasons I won't reveal.

Point being, boxes of memories - good, bad, funny, you name it - were piled in my parents' garage. I dreaded opening them, but now I am so glad I did. It was cleansing and refreshing and fun and it truly surfaced some emotions I haven't felt in a while. I've said it once, and I'll say it as long as I live: emotions are good for you! (Although like most things, IN MODERATION!)

Feel things!
Live!
Love!
Learn!

And keep a smile on your face while you do it :)

Heading Home for the Weekend

Tomorrow morning B and I (and Miles!) are hitting the road and driving to my parents' house. They live about 3 hours south of Santa Barbara, but we have to drive through Los Angeles to get there. Translation: Add an hour to ETA. There is always traffic in LA. I love driving, and I love visiting my friends and family, but if there's one thing I rarely have the patience for it's sitting in traffic. I'm so glad B and the pup will be in the car to keep me company!!

The reason I'm heading out towards the desert in the middle of a heat wave on labor day weekend is the same reason I flew out to Idaho (which to me, is the middle of nowhere) one month ago. My best friend's wedding. We grew up together and she spent most of her life at home. But since she now lives in Idaho, most of our friends were not able to attend the wedding or give their gifts. So this weekend, her mother is throwing a reception for the newlyweds so that the majority of people she knows and loves can attend.

Since she has been my best friend since age 3, I am obliged (in a good way - I want to) go. The wedding was fun, but I want to celebrate her big day with all of her family and friends. And my man! So, if I don't get any posts in this weekend - although I fully intend to - it's her fault! Just kidding, it's my mom's fault :)

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend as summer draws to a close. Much love!

Hug It Out

I had a 10-12 page botanical research paper that was due this morning in class. It was, to say the least, intense. After a full school day yesterday (10am-9pm, with two breaks), I went to B's house to eat dinner and finish my paper. I walked in the door and he started talking to me about his day and other things that were going on (yes, again, writing about bf problems on the blog somehow solves them in real life...), and when he turned away to start making dinner I started crying and hoped he wouldn't notice. He did, of course, and immediately started being hilarious to try to cheer me up. The tears stopped, and dinner made me feel a little better. However, I was still super stressed about my paper (which was actually 15 pages long because I'm an over-achiever -- thanks mom and dad!), and other school things on my agenda.

I sat at his desk working on my paper, and he laid in bed watching TV. By this point, it was around midnight, and when he would see me stressing out, he would just do something to make me laugh. It was really nice to have a good laugh together. It's amazing how much stress it releases!

There were also a few times between the hours of midnight and 1 where I just looked at him and he would give me the puppy-dog eyes. It's funny, because when the kids I babysit for give me the puppy-dog eyes I rarely give in. But when B does it, I rarely say no. Anyways, he would give me the eyes and say, "Come snuggle with me for a minute, take a break, relax." So I would have to do it. Then he would give me the biggest hugs ever and squeeze some of my stress away. And then say, "Okay, now just go to bed! :)" I would just smile, give him another big squeeze, and get back to my paper.

Obviously, I eventually made it to bed. I hardly slept because I was extremely anxious about my paper, but laying next to him (and the dog!) made me feel so much better. If laughter is the best medicine, then hugs are what you wash it down with. B's hugs saved me from a nervous breakdown last night. And pretty much any other time I'm on the brink. It's amazing what the smallest amount of physical contact from someone you love can do!

So next time you're feeling down, or on the brink of a breakdown, steal a huge hug from someone you care about. It might not fix everything, but it sure is a comfy band-aid!!!

Curve-Killer

Despite a long day of class, followed by hours of writing a research paper on orchids, and a long night ahead of me as I babysit 3 kids...today was a good day. This is because, for the first time in my four years at UCSB, I received the highest grade on a very important midterm...in a science class. This is not easy. Usually, every class has that one person who always gets the highest grade on everything, setting the standard for the rest of the class to follow. My friends and I refer to this person as the "curve-killer." We are usually "frenemies" with this person.

Today, I was that person! I didn't tell anyone in the class that I receive the highest score. I decided to take my seat on the curve-killer's throne with grace and not toot my own horn. Bad karma would have definitely followed if I had let everyone see my huge cheesy grin upon getting my test back. Instead, I sat it the corner and basked privately in my moment of triumph. It was wonderful.

I don't think I've clearly explained my school situation on this blog, so let me digress from my awesomeness for a moment :) I just 'graduated' from UCSB, however I was missing one class I needed to officially receive my degree. I am currently taking this class during the summer session. In one short week from Wednesday, I will be done - "fo' real" - with my Bachelor's Degree and minor. Although I have awaited this moment for quite some time, I crazily decided to begin taking classes at the local city college for a number of reasons. Mostly, I want to get my Masters in Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing and need to take 3 lab courses as a prerequisite. I am taking my Anatomy and Physiology labs right now.

Anyhow, this is the last class I will ever take at UCSB. My time in college is quickly coming to an end. It's an amazing feeling, but also a frightening one...another reason I'm remaining a student at the CC. I'm still looking for a full-time job, since my CC classes are in the evening and I'm only getting ~12 hours/week at my current part-time job. I will really miss UCSB, but I'll be overjoyed to finally have my degree!!!

Seeing as this is my final course, I am determined to do well. The class I am taking is extremely tough and everyday I am bombarded with more information than I can handle. However, I have studied my ass off for this class. No, really, I have. I studied so intensely everyday for about a week prior to this midterm that I wasn't really eating because I was so focused and determined to cram every fact and figure into my brain. Because of this, the seat of my jeans are actually kind of baggy...I apparently lost a pound or two. Mind you, this is a sacrifice I am willing to make to earn an A in this class.

So, besides letting out my secret to people who aren't in my class, I wanted to write this blog to encourage all of you students out there. If you put your mind to something, you truly can achieve it! And, preparation for any big project will still allow you to get a reasonable amount of sleep (I am strongly against pulling all-nighters to study, btw. You can party all night, but studying all night is never as helpful as people think). I personally wouldn't recommend the I'm-studying-too-hardcore-to-eat strategy, but a little determination never hurt anyone, right?!

I *heart* My City

I've mentioned this before, but I'm going to say it again: I love Santa Barbara! My hometown is a little city in the desert with nothing fun to do. It's in a valley south of Los Angeles, so all the smog from LA drifts down and keeps the dirt and heat trapped in this little city. So when I moved to new city with things to do, clean beaches to stroll, and fresh air to breathe, I instantly fell in love :)

Today I met up with a friend who graduated from UCSB two years ago and moved to NYC for graduate school. She is studying to be an occupational therapist and loves her new life in the Big Apple. However, when she comes back to visit, she realizes how much she misses little ol' SB.

This morning we took advantage of the beautiful beach-town weather and went to a coffee shop to catch up. She brought a friends with her from NY; it was this girl's first time in California. So we got a cold drink, sat at a table on the sidewalk, and people-watched while we chatted. We took her around and showed her things that we are so used to here, but that are non-existent in New York. It made me realize that I've been taking our grocery stores, coffee shops, and parking structures for granted.

I was actually able to slow down for a minute today and enjoy some time outdoors in this beautiful city that I now call my home. I was so bright-eyed and receptive when I first moved here, but now that I'm used to this little-big town I don't notice the small things anymore. When I go somewhere to get a coffee, I grab it and go. I hop back in my car and rush off to complete my to-do list for the day. Having company here reminded me how much I enjoy living in SB. And since I probably won't be here forever, I decided I need to continue taking advantage of living in such a beautiful and unique place. I want to cherish these moments in the city that defined my life as a college student. I still have that itch to travel, and I'm sure I always will. But since I am living here for the moment, I want to appreciate all the beauty and fun in this city.

So instead of being cooped up in my apartment this sunny afternoon, I'm going to get out somewhere and take my work with me. I need to enjoy this while it lasts!

More Thoughts on Long Distances

Yesterday's contemplation on long-distance relationships focused on romantic relationships. Today I've been thinking about how different those relationships are from a long-distance relationship with friends. Like many of you, I left my hometown to go to college and have made a new life for myself here. I absolutely love Santa Barbara, and can't say I feel the same way about my old stomping grounds. I still love my family and friends, and of course regret not being able to spend more time with them; however, I have other things here to keep me extremely busy. Many of my old friends from back home have been my friends since childhood. We've grown up together and shared many memories and experiences; we've gone through important stages of life and have helped each other through the process of 'growing up.' But now that many of us have gone to college (without each other), we've all experienced so many different things in another important and transitional time in our lives, and feeling like we've missed out on each other.

It's amazing how many people will make an effort to keep a LD relationship alive with a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's a lot of work, but - at least for a while - it's worth it. Why, then, is it so much harder to keep up the same kind of relationship with people that we know will always be around? There are friends in my life that I've known for years and years, and no matter what happens, no matter how many years pass without a face-to-face interaction, I know that in some way or another, we will always be part of each others' lives.

When I was in a LD relationship with my ex, we talked on the phone for hours and hours every week. When it comes to keeping in touch with my LD friends, it's a whole different story.

Although I only live about 3 hours from my parents, I only make it home about 4 times a year (holidays mostly). My parents love visiting Santa Barbara because it's such a beautiful city, so I see them about every other month. However, I rarely see my friends from home...definitely not on a regular basis. We all have jobs and many of us are in school. Some of them still live at home, while others have their own places. Regardless of our different situations, one thing remains true: things have changed.

We all keep up on each others' lives (in a way) on Facebook, since it allows us to see everyone's status every day, recent photos, etc. Sadly, though, none of us make much of an effort to pick up a phone or make a drive to visit. It's not that we don't want to...life just gets in the way. I love my new life here, and don't necessarily miss my old one. But I will always love my friends. Whenever we are all able to catch up - either as a group or individually on the phone, however - we all know that our lives are changing at a phenomenal pace. I can hardly keep up with my own life, let alone everyone I care about!

Despite the fact that we don't get to talk to each other every day, or see each other every month, my friends are still my friends. My life will always be changing, and I hope that theirs will be, too. As much as I wish I could keep in close contact with everyone I know, the truth is that I can't. My friends know I care about them, and I know they care about me. I believe it is so incredibly important not to estrange anyone you care about, not to burn bridges, and always keep doors open. With this blog post, I'm making a promise to myself, and more importantly to my friends, that I will always find a way - no matter how small or insignificant my efforts may seem - to stay in touch with them. I want my friends to know that no matter how far away my life may take me, they will always be in my heart!

Long Distance

Physical/spatial distance, I have learned, is much much different than emotional distance. I have been in two different long-distance relationships in the past 5 years and have discovered that being near each other doesn't always make you closer to someone. My roommate is currently in a long-distance relationship that is extremely healthy, and both her and the bf are extremely happy. On the other hand, B and I live one city away from each other (~13 miles or so), and the dynamics of our relationship are so different from my roomie and her bf.

My first LD relationship was with my high school bf. We had been together for almost a year and a half when I moved away from home to go to college in Santa Barbara. We tried to make it work for a few months, but as time progressed, our lives took different paths. He was three years older than me and not making much of his life. That is one thing I can not stand for. His job was a joke and he was taking one or two bull shit classes at our local community college and living with his parents (and two older sisters who were equally useless). I, however, was extremely busy with my first year of college: searching for a job and eventually finding one, making new friends, adjusting to my new course load and study habits, etc. We tried to talk on the phone every night but I got pretty busy studying and attempting to have a social life. Eventually, I ran out of time and energy for our relationship and had to end it. I knew I didn't need it, and we weren't on the same page. Done.

My next LD relationship began as a LD relationship. Shortly after my breakup with LD#1, my grandmother took our family to Hawaii for Christmas. Long story short, I met a guy there. He lived in Canada and had an awesome family (our families hit it off on the beach day 1 of the vaca; we were the last two of the group to meet). We exchanged emails and kept in touch, swapped pictures, etc. Eventually we started talking on the phone. After 4 months of getting to know each other pretty well over the phone, he flew down to visit me. We became a couple. We talked on the phone every night, even though we had very different schedules. We found a way. We also found a way to visit each other whenever we could. We took turns flying back and forth to visit each other every 6-8 weeks or so. Eventually, he moved down to Santa Barbara to go to school and try out a new city. It was great to finally be together! However, we eventually started getting on each others' nerves (we did NOT live together, btw) and didn't have the same goals. I am extremely focused and self-motivated and I love school. He was the opposite. And, he didn't have a job. Eventually, we broke up. We both knew it was coming for about a month or so beforehand, but neither one of us wanted to say it. I finally did, and it was hard, but we are okay now and there are no hard feelings. It was a healthy and mature breakup. We have both moved on.

Now, my roomie (SC) is in a relationship with a guy from home (she's from San Francisco but lives in Santa Barbara currently) whom she dated for a summer three years ago. They began corresponding through email in February of this year, he came to visit one weekend in March, and then they got together. He comes to SB very often to visit, and she goes home whenever she can. The longest they have gone without seeing each other is 2 weeks. They text each other all day, are always on the phone, and write posts to each other on facebook. Basically, they're obsessed with each other.

My boyfriend,who lives in the neighboring city, hates talking on the phone. He has an iPhone, but only uses it for all the apps. He rarely has conversations that last longer than 3 minutes, and isn't very good at responding to texts. He goes on facebook every day, but only plays games and occasionally writes on peoples' walls. Never mine, though. It's nearly impossible to get him excited about things or have a conversation about anything semi-serious. SC is jealous because B and I potentially get to see each other every day, if we so choose. However, I am jealous because her bf actually talks to her, and likes it! And, she doesn't have to force him! Also, (although I would never make a big deal about this to B for fear of his reaction) SC's boyfriend loves her; he says it to her, and he says it to everyone he can. He is so happy to be in a relationship with her that he wants the whole world to know. Of this fact, I am envious.

Yes, B and I could spend every moment of every day together if we wanted to - I know SC and her boy would if they could. But that does not make up for the fact that we don't have the same kind of communication. I'm not asking that he talks to me every second we're together, or call me every three hours to keep me informed of everything that he does during the day. But he won't talk to me about anything. I take that back - sometimes, if I interrogate him, he'll talk to me about what's going on with him. But it's like pulling teeth. It's frustrating for him that I want him to talk to me more, to open up and let me in; but its equally frustrating for me that he won't talk, and shows no desire to.

Lately I've just been feeling defeated and complacent. If he doesn't want to talk, fine. I'm over it. But I'm not...I still need and want him to open up to me. I only bring it up to him every once in a while now, but I can't help feeling its all in vain. I think I'm almost out of options, but I'm not quite ready to give up. *sigh* I wish he showed the same enthusiasm towards me as Miles (his amazing dog) does!!

Also, for those of you who may be in long-distance relationships, don't give up! Although this post may have seemed somewhat pessimistic, I truly believe that LD's can be quite successful. I caution you to not turn a blind eye to things that may be happening while you're not around; however, it is also foolish and detrimental to start assuming or imagining things that aren't really happening. To everyone in a relationship of any kind, I wish you all luck and love!

A Few Bad Days

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Hey all!! Sorry I haven't been writing at all the past five days or so...I've been extremely busy with school and everything else and just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been taking my "meds" lately, but the past few days I still haven't been myself...

As usual, I've been keeping myself very busy (some would say I'm too busy). I just started taking some classes at my local community college in order to be able to apply to the Masters in Nursing program I want to get into. Since these classes are science labs, and my life already seems to be over-scheduled, things are about to get a little hectic!

In order to keep myself from going absolutely insane, I am trying to find fun recreational activities to participate in without being completely hammered (Santa Barbara is quite a party town, so sometimes it gets hard to find activities that DON'T involve intoxication...especially during summertime). This summer, my boyfriend, his roommate, my roommate, and myself ("The Fam") have started throwing some balls around at our local bowling alley :) Our friend has been a bowling league before - albeit years ago - but the rest of us are just learning. We decided that we would join a 'Sunday Fun League' so that we're not competing with the pros.

We started doing this just for fun, but now we're really starting to get into it! (With the exception of my man, all of us are very competitive people. We know that we're not the best bowlers in the alley, but we definitely won't let ourselves be the worst!!) Last night (Tues) we went bowling, without my roomie, and got the best lane and arrived right when happy hour began. *By the way, this bowling alley is the only one in about a 70 mile radius and has around 40 excellent beers on tap,many of which are their own labels. My favorite thing about this bowling gig is the $4, 22oz "Shock Top" beer that has hints of orange in it. Soooo gooood...*

Anyway, I was bowling absolutely terrible last night and the boys were doing pretty well, as usual. Normally I don't care that I suck, but last night it was really getting to me. I was trying so hard, concentrating on all the tips I've received from the pros and other people, but my ball still seemed to find the gutter more often than it should have. While I hate getting a terrible score, I was mostly upset with myself.

I am definitely my harshest critic, and when I put my energy into something only to receive no reward, I get frustrated. Efficiency is one of my main objectives in a task, so when I set out to accomplish something and don't get instant gratification, I struggle. I understand that many things take time to develop, but this was different. My moods and emotions are difficult for me to control: I never know when I'm going to have a good day, or a "bad" day, even when I'm taking my pills religiously.

Although not nearly as severe as before I was medicated, these "bad days" (when my depression is prominent) really effect me, even when I try to push those negative thoughts out of my mind. I don't think I'll ever stop being my own worst enemy as far as criticism goes, and I know I'm always gonna have "bad days" on occasion. It's during these times that I really lean on my boyfriend (we'll start calling him B), and last night at the alley, he reminded me that sucking at bowling doesn't make me a bad person. No matter how hard I tried to sit alone in the corner and drink my delicious happy hour beer until it was my turn again, he kept bringing me into his arms and trying to cheer me up.

I finally let his dorky jokes and kisses bring me out of my funk for a little bit, but it slowly crept back shortly after we arrived home. He snuggled me close last night, as my Ambien took me away to a land of strange and semi-satisfying sleep. When I woke up next to him this morning, I remembered that I don't have to be perfect. I am who I am, and that's perfect enough.

Happy Things

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Yesterday I was reading a post on Oh, Mishka entitled Cheer Up. She had been in a funk and asked her reader what kind of things cheered them up. I replied and it sparked my idea for this post!

Things that cheer me up when I'm down:

A GOOD CRY When you're feeling sad, don't be afraid to let it out!! Hiding your feelings is one of the worst things you can do to yourself (emotionally). Crying is a natural response to hurt and sadness; it is supposed to be cathartic...so just let it happen.

SNUGGLING Whether it's with my boyfriend, the pups, or the 8,000 pillows on my bed, cuddling up and just relaxing helps to soothe the nerves. Don't talk, don't stress...just be.

SHOPPING As every woman knows, shopping is like grandma's chicken soup: a cure-all. Being out and about takes your mind off your worries, and doing something fun for yourself (and by yourself) can also be cathartic. When I'm doing my "shopping therapy," I usually just try a bunch of things on, carry them around the store for a while, then put everything back on the racks and go home. Or I'll but some things, take them home and leave them in the bag for a day or two, then go return them! Just the act of shopping is therapeutic for me, not the actual possession of new goodies.

YOGA I am a firm believer in the healing powers of habitual yoga practice and I truly enjoy doing it. Besides the physical exercise and accompanying release of endorphins, yoga also exercises the mind. It heals the mind and body simultaneously, and lets you really escape to your innermost self. A yoga class is an excellent place for making self-realizations, or just clearing your mind of all the crap that is going on around you.

MILES My boyfriend's dog Miles is my baby. He loves me, and I love him. Just looking into this dog's eyes can make me feel better, and he is very loyal and receptive of me. He knows when I'm sad and licks me until I give into him. He'll then either cuddle up with me, or force me to play with him. Whatever the activity, I swear that dog has incredible healing powers that a human can not offer.

FOOD As you'll probably soon learn about me, I love to eat! I love to go out to different restaurants, try new foods/drinks, and just snack in general. It's a very satisfying feeling. If you're feeling down, try treating yourself to your favorite meal or chocolate-covered snack!

A GOOD BOOK I have to read a lot of textbooks and scientific research papers for school, so it's not very often that I get to choose a book on my own and read it for leisure. When I'm in a funky mood, I'll set my academic obligations aside (you can't study effectively anyways if your mind is clouded with other troubles) and read a book of my choosing. I love classic literature, but my "reading therapy" usually consists of some kind of "girly" book. Some personal favorites include Eat, Pray, Love (which any woman should read, and probably reread), and books by Candace Bushnell (inspiration for Sex and the City).

DRIVING I find driving very therapeutic. It's a completely different experience when you're not driving to anywhere in particular. Sometimes I just drive around and explore different areas of the city, or I'll pick a destination (like a coffee shop, or even a gas station) and take the long way.

MUSIC Even for those who aren't avid or obsessional music lovers, listening to your favorite songs will cheer you up...or at least take your mind to another place for a little bit. Again, catharsis can be easily initiated by the right combination of sounds and lyrics. I often make a playlist on my computer just for that occasion, depending on what kind of mood I'm in.

A NAP Being upset often makes you tired, so a nap will physically be good for you. Some sleep will also help to clear your mind and make those problems seem at least a little smaller. Naps can be very refreshing (if you actually sleep) and will give you the energy and clarity of mind to tackle those emotional demons.

HAIR-DOS When I'm alone, I like to experiment with different hair styles. Many girls do this with makeup, which is also fun. But I already have a knack for doing makeup, so I focus my negative energies on my unruly hair. It not only gives your mind something else to do, but you might also stumble upon some new look that really works for you!

BEING ALONE When I'm in a funk because of personal issues (especially my depression, or perhaps certain issues with my boyfriend), I prefer to be alone. Many of the previous items on this list are activities that I do alone, and can only be done alone. I don't want to project the gray cloud over my head onto other people, so I just tuck myself away somewhere soothing until I can be around humanity again.

NOT BEING ALONE Sometimes there are those issues in your life that will only go away if you're distracted by another person. In some depressions, being alone is not a good thing. When I'm in these type of moods, I make my situation worse by stewing over things in my head. This often leads to the manifestation of more problems, many of which are completely fabricated in my emotionally clouded head. Going out with the girls for a night on the town, or going to a movie with the man are good distractions from the dangerous workings of your own mind.

These are just a few of the things that cheer me up in general. Of course, there are always situations in which these may not work, or another uplifting opportunity arises. You just have to see what works for you. Check out the comments on the blog I mentioned earlier for more suggestions. Also, I would love your comments about what brings you out of a funk!!

Have a beautiful day everyone! Keep your head up and a smile in your heart (and hopefully on your face)!

New Friends

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I just want to take a minute to give a quick shout out to those of you who just started following my blog :) It feels great, as a brand new blogger, to find some people with common (or completely uncommon) interests. I'll be following all of your blogs as well (and updating my blog roll soon), and comments are always welcome!

I also wanted to endorse 20SB, where I'm sure I "met" most of you. It's a great network for new bloggers like myself, and people just looking for some great reading material! I check my own blog way more often than I check 20sb, so I want to comment back to all of you and say THANKS! I look forward to blogging with you in the future!!! :)

Have a beautiful day everyone, I'll be drowning in homework for the next few hours until work. Ugh. I guess whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger...or smarter...or at least alive!

Midnight Munchies

It's nearing 1AM and I'm not tired yet. In fact, I'm starving!! Maybe not malnourished-die-of-starvation-hungry, but I could eat.

I'm a chronic snacker. My grandma calls me a grazer; this reminds be of a cow, but I suppose it's better than being a pig!

Whenever it's nearing what normal people consider "bed time," I always get hungry. I'm not sure if it's my body procrastinating getting in to bed and attempting for hours to fall asleep, or if my metabolism is speeding up, or what. But it makes me crazy!

When I snack before I bed I tend to munch on more than I should/need. But if I don't eat, that's all I'll think about while I try to sleep. I suppose, in a twisted sort of way, it's a good thing. Concentrating on my stomach takes my mind off of bigger problems.

However, I think tonight is one of those nights that calls for some blueberries and a sleeping pill. I need to be ready to face a looooong day of studying and writing tomorrow!