R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I think a lot. I think about everything. I believe this is where my tendency to worry about insignificant things stems from. I'm sure I wouldn't have nearly as much anxiety if I could just figure out a way to make my conscious brain just relax for a bit. But for the most part, I can't. Talking or writing about such bothersome things helps to alleviate some of the needless worries, but sometimes I just can't shake a feeling.

As I've mentioned before - and probably will mention a million times more - B and I have a pretty great relationship. It's admittedly imperfect and that's just fine. We are aware of our imperfections. However, sometimes we have different opinions on where those imperfections lie. For example, I don't think he communicates with me enough. He is aware that I see this as a problem, and he knows that he has a difficult time opening up to people. But he doesn't make much of an effort to open up to me, and this is heartbreaking. He sees communication as only a minor problem, because he doesn't lie to me or deliberately keep details from me. I appreciate this, but I need more.

This, among other issues that arise in our relationship, has been on my mind lately. The hardest thing for me is that I want so bad to solve problems, but he either doesn't see the same problems or doesn't have the desire to change. I respect the fact that he doesn't see everything the way I do - that would be extremely boring. B is also great to talk to because he is such a great listener. However, he is not a great talker. Overall, this makes him not so great at communicating. And when I try to address things, he avoids conversations like the plague. To me, this is hurtful and disrespectful.


I have opened by heart to B, and expect him to [at least attempt to] do the same. I tried to address this issue tonight and unexpectedly started an argument. After I calmed him down, I explained to B how I don't always feel respected. Many people don't understand that sassy comments and rude gestures aren't the only things that hurt people's feelings. Not listening to someone express emotions or feelings to you - or not acting on what you are supposedly listening to - is just as disrespectful as giving someone the finger. Obviously different people are offended or hurt by different things, but I think we as human beings often miss this. The feeling of disrespect is often not exuded the same way anger or fear would be. Granted, disrespect isn't exactly an emotion, but it is still more subtly portrayed than many other strong feelings.

I wanted to end our conversation tonight as quickly as possible so B could breathe again, so I didn't want to stress anything too strongly. But it is difficult for me to handle such feelings of disrespect from my partner when I have it coming from other angles. Co-workers, bosses, classmates, friends....all of these people have made me feel disrespected and unappreciated at one time or another. But it is much easier to brush it off. I told B that sometimes he acts like he doesn't appreciate everything I do for him, everything I have sacrificed for him, all the efforts I make to keep him happy. To me it isn't work, and I don't ask for too much in return. But I at least need to feel respected and appreciated. I lay it all out in the open for him. It would be so amazing and make me so happy to see him show up at my door with some hand-picked flowers, or offer to give me a relaxing massage in candlelight...