Playing House

B and I don't live together. That would be waaaayy too much for both of us. But, we do spend a fair amount of time at each others' places. We cook for each other. I do his laundry and dishes sometimes (I do my laundry at his place because he has a washer/dryer...my apartment complex has 2 coin-op washers/dryers for 10 families to share). I do chores around his house and buy things for his kitchen. He does fix-it projects at my place. My TIVO is set to record some of his shows. I have a food/water dish for his dog in my kitchen. Basically, we're playing house.

Now, this version of "playing house" is a much more complex and serious version than the games we played with our childhood neighbors. There are emotions involved; we make decisions everyday that could affect the rest of our lives. Playing house as a 'grown-up' has much more serious consequences - both negative and positive. We enjoy spending time with each other, but we can also start to drive each other crazy. We get to see the best and worst of each other. And - I feel like my mom saying this - it's the first experimental step towards a life together.

Moving in with someone too early is one of those things that is horribly detrimental to a relationship. Chances are it would have ended sooner or later, but I've seen many couples move in too early and spend a majority of their relationship arguing and nit-picking rather than enjoying what the other has to offer. As anyone with a roommate knows, living with someone is the best and worst way to get to know someone. I've lived with my roommate for over 4 years, and we know more about each other than friends that we grew up with. My roomie knows me better (in both good and bad ways) than my best friend of 19 years. It's weird! Even the most blissful of couples can turn into enemies by making the move too soon.

Currently, I believe B and I are exactly where we need to be. We can see each other whenever we like, and if it becomes too much, we go to our separate spaces until we make plans to hang out again. We're comfortable and confident enough with each other to say, "You're making me f**king crazy. I'm going home to get away from you. I'll cook us dinner tomorrow. See you at 8, asshole!" It's not a fight, it's honesty - one of the most crucial components of a healthy relationship of any kind. We can tell each other when we're happy, sad, annoyed, worried, etc. There's no judgment. We're in a relationship to support each other, watch and help each other grow, and make our lives more full and meaningful by getting through this life as a team.

I told him last night he makes my life happier. He just smiled and hopped in the shower. This is just as satisfying of a response as him saying that I make his life happier, too. I've learned, by playing house, how to interpret his quirky remarks and actions. He doesn't say I love you, but he cooks for me and holds me close while I sleep. He doesn't ask me to move in, but I keep toiletries at his place and he asks me to share his bed with him. He doesn't say he wants me to bear his children, but he refers to me as (his dog) Miles' mom and himself dad, and trusts me to take care of his most valuable possession - another life. Our relationship/situation may be quite similar or drastically different from many couples; either way, we don't care. We're perfectly content with what we have and where we are at. For us, playing house without sharing house has brought us closer together. We have a healthy relationship and truly enjoy spending time together.

True, I miss the innocent days of 'playing house' in my backyard wearing mommy's apron carrying a doll around. However, growing up - despite the reality of responsibility - definitely has its privileges.

A Trip Down Memory Lane

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So I didn't get anything posted this weekend...oops! I did, however, get to spend some quality time with my parents and my man! The reason I was home this weekend is because of my best friend's wedding reception. Once again, I didn't get much of a chance to actually visit with her. Or anyone else, for that matter.

I don't get to see my parents too often, so it was really nice to hang out and catch up with them all weekend. We had dinners together, went bowling, cleaned out the garage...wait, was that on my fun list??

I did have a lot of fun catching up with my family, and they had fun getting to know B and Miles a little better. While I was there, they made me go through all my boxes in the garage. (When I moved to Santa Barbara it was pretty last minute, so I didn't get a chance to properly go through my bedroom to get rid of crap I didn't want or need. So they boxed everything up and put it in the garage so they could turn my bedroom into an office.) This was, of course, a daunting task. One that my parents have been begging me to come home and tackle for quite some time now. My mom, being the wonderful and loving woman that she is, kept me company in that hot dusty garage-turned-storage-unit.

I already knew I was going to get rid of most of the stuff out there. I knew that a couple boxes had some keepsake items, and those I kept. (My parents are letting me keep a few boxes in the garage. A girl can't throw away everything she's accumulated in the first eighteen years of her life!!) I got rid of all my old clothes, shoes, etc. Junk I've learned that I don't need.

That's one great thing about getting older: you really do get wiser. College degree or not, life teaches you invaluable lessons that an expensive university education cannot.

Believe it or not, I actually had fun going through those old dusty boxes. All the photographs I've accumulated over the years that tell the story of my life were piled into a couple tattered cardboard boxes. There were pictures from my childhood in that garage that I hadn't seen in years! I kept running inside to show my brother hilarious pictures of us and our childhood friends - many of whom we are still good friends with. It was quite cathartic to see their faces again and briefly relive all those precious moments we shared in our innocence. I could go on and on for hours about those golden days, and maybe in some blog I will, but I found some other treasures in those boxes as well.

I found a shoebox full of old notes - notes from my middle school friends, love letters from boys I used to know...aah, the memories came flooding back. My girlfriends and I had nicknames for each other (I assume this was to protect our true identities in case our juicy notes fell into the wrong hands), and in some cases I could not identify the author of said notes. Many of these girls I am still friends with; many, I am not.
I found notes from old boyfriends (or boys who desperately wanted to be my boyfriend). Some of them were expressing their love for me. Some were apologies for hurting me. I even found a poem that one guy wrote to me - it wasn't of high literary quality, but it was original and expressive - that prompted us to start dating. I found one from a guy friend with a complicated history. We're still friends today and we do keep in touch (unlike most of my actual ex-boyfriends), but this note really pulled on some heartstrings for numerous reasons I won't reveal.

Point being, boxes of memories - good, bad, funny, you name it - were piled in my parents' garage. I dreaded opening them, but now I am so glad I did. It was cleansing and refreshing and fun and it truly surfaced some emotions I haven't felt in a while. I've said it once, and I'll say it as long as I live: emotions are good for you! (Although like most things, IN MODERATION!)

Feel things!
Live!
Love!
Learn!

And keep a smile on your face while you do it :)

Heading Home for the Weekend

Tomorrow morning B and I (and Miles!) are hitting the road and driving to my parents' house. They live about 3 hours south of Santa Barbara, but we have to drive through Los Angeles to get there. Translation: Add an hour to ETA. There is always traffic in LA. I love driving, and I love visiting my friends and family, but if there's one thing I rarely have the patience for it's sitting in traffic. I'm so glad B and the pup will be in the car to keep me company!!

The reason I'm heading out towards the desert in the middle of a heat wave on labor day weekend is the same reason I flew out to Idaho (which to me, is the middle of nowhere) one month ago. My best friend's wedding. We grew up together and she spent most of her life at home. But since she now lives in Idaho, most of our friends were not able to attend the wedding or give their gifts. So this weekend, her mother is throwing a reception for the newlyweds so that the majority of people she knows and loves can attend.

Since she has been my best friend since age 3, I am obliged (in a good way - I want to) go. The wedding was fun, but I want to celebrate her big day with all of her family and friends. And my man! So, if I don't get any posts in this weekend - although I fully intend to - it's her fault! Just kidding, it's my mom's fault :)

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend as summer draws to a close. Much love!

More Thoughts on Long Distances

Yesterday's contemplation on long-distance relationships focused on romantic relationships. Today I've been thinking about how different those relationships are from a long-distance relationship with friends. Like many of you, I left my hometown to go to college and have made a new life for myself here. I absolutely love Santa Barbara, and can't say I feel the same way about my old stomping grounds. I still love my family and friends, and of course regret not being able to spend more time with them; however, I have other things here to keep me extremely busy. Many of my old friends from back home have been my friends since childhood. We've grown up together and shared many memories and experiences; we've gone through important stages of life and have helped each other through the process of 'growing up.' But now that many of us have gone to college (without each other), we've all experienced so many different things in another important and transitional time in our lives, and feeling like we've missed out on each other.

It's amazing how many people will make an effort to keep a LD relationship alive with a boyfriend/girlfriend; it's a lot of work, but - at least for a while - it's worth it. Why, then, is it so much harder to keep up the same kind of relationship with people that we know will always be around? There are friends in my life that I've known for years and years, and no matter what happens, no matter how many years pass without a face-to-face interaction, I know that in some way or another, we will always be part of each others' lives.

When I was in a LD relationship with my ex, we talked on the phone for hours and hours every week. When it comes to keeping in touch with my LD friends, it's a whole different story.

Although I only live about 3 hours from my parents, I only make it home about 4 times a year (holidays mostly). My parents love visiting Santa Barbara because it's such a beautiful city, so I see them about every other month. However, I rarely see my friends from home...definitely not on a regular basis. We all have jobs and many of us are in school. Some of them still live at home, while others have their own places. Regardless of our different situations, one thing remains true: things have changed.

We all keep up on each others' lives (in a way) on Facebook, since it allows us to see everyone's status every day, recent photos, etc. Sadly, though, none of us make much of an effort to pick up a phone or make a drive to visit. It's not that we don't want to...life just gets in the way. I love my new life here, and don't necessarily miss my old one. But I will always love my friends. Whenever we are all able to catch up - either as a group or individually on the phone, however - we all know that our lives are changing at a phenomenal pace. I can hardly keep up with my own life, let alone everyone I care about!

Despite the fact that we don't get to talk to each other every day, or see each other every month, my friends are still my friends. My life will always be changing, and I hope that theirs will be, too. As much as I wish I could keep in close contact with everyone I know, the truth is that I can't. My friends know I care about them, and I know they care about me. I believe it is so incredibly important not to estrange anyone you care about, not to burn bridges, and always keep doors open. With this blog post, I'm making a promise to myself, and more importantly to my friends, that I will always find a way - no matter how small or insignificant my efforts may seem - to stay in touch with them. I want my friends to know that no matter how far away my life may take me, they will always be in my heart!

I do?

Last weekend my best friend said two of the most binding words in the English language, "I do." I remember the phone conversation in which she told me her boyfriend proposed to her and how ecstatic we both were at that moment. We've known each other since we were 3 years old, and from the moment we figured out what a wedding was, we began planning ours. Although her wedding wasn't the extravagant beach wedding full of family and friends that she talked about as a bright-eyed 5th grader, it was still beautiful, and so is she. Although she has two fabulous older sisters, she chose me to be the Maid of Honor...and I was honored. The problem with the situation, however, was that she moved to Idaho almost 2 years ago to be with her man, and I'm still in Southern California. I felt so bad to not be able to help her plan the wedding because I was so far away. Her entire family is far away. She did a great job planning things with the help of some of her new Idaho friends, but I still felt I let her down in a way.

I arrived in Idaho after spending the day in airports and airplanes and stayed up late chatting with my long-lost sisters. After a night of catching up and giggling like teens on a sugar-high at a sleepover, we got no sleep and felt the consequences for the rest of the weekend. The days seemed long and everyone was pretty cranky from the continuous lack of sleep, but I hadn't seen her entire family in so long it didn't matter. The only person I really didn't get to catch up with was the bride herself. I was a bit put off and pretty hurt by her actions that weekend, but what could I do? She's the bride, and I decided to let her be. Her entire family, including myself, had to travel hundreds of miles and countless hours to be at her wedding - an event that we wouldn't have missed for the world. She seemed to forget all this, though, only spending time with her husband and his family and the people from her church that she sees all the time. Granted, the groom's family doesn't live in Idaho, but they're just over the border into the next state and get to see the happy new couple quite often. Like her family, I was offended that I spent so much time and money and energy getting to this wedding , and she didn't seem to appreciate one bit of it. After barely getting a goodbye and being almost sickened by her complete loss of independence, I boarded my flight back to LA and got lost in a book. On the drive home from LAX, I let some tears out - tears of joy that my best friend was happily in love, and tears of sadness that she didn't think she needed her family in her life now that she has a husband to take care of her.

That got me to thinking about myself (of course - it's human nature!)...my best friend, my sister that I grew up with, is MARRIED. wtf??? When did we grow up? I just graduated from college, many of my friends are getting married, having kids, even buying houses already!!! Since when?!? I was in shock at how grown up we apparently were, but how not grown-up I felt. Am I really an adult? Is tying the knot really right around the corner already? I better start checking for gray hairs soon...I would hate for one to sneak up on me like this wedding did. Then I started thinking about my boyfriend. He's 5 years older than me, but he already has a few gray hairs. Uh-oh...here comes the quarter-life crisis.

My boyfriend and I had an interesting start to our relationship, but we finally settled into each other and made it official six months ago. He knows that I care about him more than anything, and during an argument in which he wasn't listening to my point I told him that I love him. He knows this already, but it's so different to say it out loud. He, on the other hand, has never said it to me. He "loves" hanging out with me, or "loves" when I massage his hands and feet, but he hasn't declared that he "loves" ME. This doesn't necessarily upset me, but it makes me wonder what our future holds. My best friend just turned 22, her husband is 29. I'm 22, by boyfriend is 27. Shouldn't he be getting close to that age where he wants to take his life seriously and start thinking about his future? I want him to commit to me enough to say those three little words. I mean, isn't that all a girl really wants? To love and be loved (and maybe a cute pair of shoes here and there)? I need to hear those words from him at some point. I know this, and I'm pretty sure he does too. However, how far behind those words is the thought of marriage? THIS thought freaked the hell out of me. I'm not a grown-up yet, I thought. I have a degree, and hopefully soon something that resembles a career...but MARRIAGE? NO WAY!! So upon returning to my wonderful boyfriend after the wedding, I decided that if more time is what he needs, then I can wait a little longer to hear those words.