Happy Days

It's been a pretty great week for me. I received a test back in my anatomy class and I have an A, which relieved a lot of stress for me. My boyfriend and I have been getting along wonderfully, and I love him more and more every day.

We had an excellent chat the other night...we talked about things we want in our lives, the future...grown-up things. And, B didn't put up a fight at all! It's a great feeling to get to know someone you care about even deeper than before. I feel that even our short little talk brought us much closer together. This morning, B and I took Miles on a bike ride to Starbucks and just sat outside and enjoyed the weather, and each other. We've figured out when we've had enough of each other and go our separate ways before we annoy the hell out of each other. We can be gross and weird around each other, we know how to make each other laugh and smile, we help each other fall asleep at night. We are at a place right now where we are perfectly content and happy.

Playing House

B and I don't live together. That would be waaaayy too much for both of us. But, we do spend a fair amount of time at each others' places. We cook for each other. I do his laundry and dishes sometimes (I do my laundry at his place because he has a washer/dryer...my apartment complex has 2 coin-op washers/dryers for 10 families to share). I do chores around his house and buy things for his kitchen. He does fix-it projects at my place. My TIVO is set to record some of his shows. I have a food/water dish for his dog in my kitchen. Basically, we're playing house.

Now, this version of "playing house" is a much more complex and serious version than the games we played with our childhood neighbors. There are emotions involved; we make decisions everyday that could affect the rest of our lives. Playing house as a 'grown-up' has much more serious consequences - both negative and positive. We enjoy spending time with each other, but we can also start to drive each other crazy. We get to see the best and worst of each other. And - I feel like my mom saying this - it's the first experimental step towards a life together.

Moving in with someone too early is one of those things that is horribly detrimental to a relationship. Chances are it would have ended sooner or later, but I've seen many couples move in too early and spend a majority of their relationship arguing and nit-picking rather than enjoying what the other has to offer. As anyone with a roommate knows, living with someone is the best and worst way to get to know someone. I've lived with my roommate for over 4 years, and we know more about each other than friends that we grew up with. My roomie knows me better (in both good and bad ways) than my best friend of 19 years. It's weird! Even the most blissful of couples can turn into enemies by making the move too soon.

Currently, I believe B and I are exactly where we need to be. We can see each other whenever we like, and if it becomes too much, we go to our separate spaces until we make plans to hang out again. We're comfortable and confident enough with each other to say, "You're making me f**king crazy. I'm going home to get away from you. I'll cook us dinner tomorrow. See you at 8, asshole!" It's not a fight, it's honesty - one of the most crucial components of a healthy relationship of any kind. We can tell each other when we're happy, sad, annoyed, worried, etc. There's no judgment. We're in a relationship to support each other, watch and help each other grow, and make our lives more full and meaningful by getting through this life as a team.

I told him last night he makes my life happier. He just smiled and hopped in the shower. This is just as satisfying of a response as him saying that I make his life happier, too. I've learned, by playing house, how to interpret his quirky remarks and actions. He doesn't say I love you, but he cooks for me and holds me close while I sleep. He doesn't ask me to move in, but I keep toiletries at his place and he asks me to share his bed with him. He doesn't say he wants me to bear his children, but he refers to me as (his dog) Miles' mom and himself dad, and trusts me to take care of his most valuable possession - another life. Our relationship/situation may be quite similar or drastically different from many couples; either way, we don't care. We're perfectly content with what we have and where we are at. For us, playing house without sharing house has brought us closer together. We have a healthy relationship and truly enjoy spending time together.

True, I miss the innocent days of 'playing house' in my backyard wearing mommy's apron carrying a doll around. However, growing up - despite the reality of responsibility - definitely has its privileges.

My Men

I just realized this afternoon that in some of the post involving my boyfriend, I might have portrayed him in a negative light. Granted, I often write when I'm upset...that probably has something to do with it. Okay, it pretty much has everything to do with it.

My boyfriend is great. He's not perfect. But then again, who is? I'm far from it, I know that well. I get annoyed sometimes with him, sure. I'm also sure he gets annoyed with me sometimes. We're both pretty quirky people, but I think we have a pretty great relationship. We make each other happy.

I think one of the things that is difficult for me is that B often has a difficult time expressing himself. He's a great listener, but not a great talker. He doesn't like talking, what can I say?! (Actually, I say a lot in our relationship!) But all of the conversations we've had where I just feel that I'm hassling him have not been in vain.

Since he doesn't do much talking, he does a lot of listening and thinking. He may not catch every word I say, but he's starting to understand the reason I say the things I say. He used to just ignore the fact I was upset because he though I overreacted to everything. (Although I must say, in his defense, before I was regularly medicated, I often did overreact to things. I was over-emotional, but I couldn't help it, couldn't control it. As a sort of defense mechanism, I think B just ignored all of my emotions because they didn't seem like MY emotions...) However I was at his house yesterday and he said some things to make me somewhat upset, so I started to leave the room. The old B would have shook his head and let me walk out. Last night, he stopped me and asked what was wrong. He said I wasn't allowed to leave the room mad. Just him saying that took away any negative feelings I had. It was an amazing feeling; he just lit me up and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :)

Another thing B does is make me feel better by using Miles, his amazing dog that I'm obsessed with! This past week he's been doing the cutest thing ever (and if he reads this, he'll probably blush and do the cute embarrassed smile). He'll send me an email with a picture of the pup and pretend it's written from Miles, to me. It just makes me smile!!! I just want to rush over to his house and snuggle them all night!

That's another great thing about B. He's an awesome snuggler, and as a result of this, his dog is also the best snuggler in the world. If I'm having a bad day, just snuggling up with my man and our little man makes my troubles melt away. In general, falling asleep with them - bad mood or good - makes me feel so special and happy. I love it, and them. Mmmmmm.....

Thoughts for Today

A Trip Down Memory Lane

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So I didn't get anything posted this weekend...oops! I did, however, get to spend some quality time with my parents and my man! The reason I was home this weekend is because of my best friend's wedding reception. Once again, I didn't get much of a chance to actually visit with her. Or anyone else, for that matter.

I don't get to see my parents too often, so it was really nice to hang out and catch up with them all weekend. We had dinners together, went bowling, cleaned out the garage...wait, was that on my fun list??

I did have a lot of fun catching up with my family, and they had fun getting to know B and Miles a little better. While I was there, they made me go through all my boxes in the garage. (When I moved to Santa Barbara it was pretty last minute, so I didn't get a chance to properly go through my bedroom to get rid of crap I didn't want or need. So they boxed everything up and put it in the garage so they could turn my bedroom into an office.) This was, of course, a daunting task. One that my parents have been begging me to come home and tackle for quite some time now. My mom, being the wonderful and loving woman that she is, kept me company in that hot dusty garage-turned-storage-unit.

I already knew I was going to get rid of most of the stuff out there. I knew that a couple boxes had some keepsake items, and those I kept. (My parents are letting me keep a few boxes in the garage. A girl can't throw away everything she's accumulated in the first eighteen years of her life!!) I got rid of all my old clothes, shoes, etc. Junk I've learned that I don't need.

That's one great thing about getting older: you really do get wiser. College degree or not, life teaches you invaluable lessons that an expensive university education cannot.

Believe it or not, I actually had fun going through those old dusty boxes. All the photographs I've accumulated over the years that tell the story of my life were piled into a couple tattered cardboard boxes. There were pictures from my childhood in that garage that I hadn't seen in years! I kept running inside to show my brother hilarious pictures of us and our childhood friends - many of whom we are still good friends with. It was quite cathartic to see their faces again and briefly relive all those precious moments we shared in our innocence. I could go on and on for hours about those golden days, and maybe in some blog I will, but I found some other treasures in those boxes as well.

I found a shoebox full of old notes - notes from my middle school friends, love letters from boys I used to know...aah, the memories came flooding back. My girlfriends and I had nicknames for each other (I assume this was to protect our true identities in case our juicy notes fell into the wrong hands), and in some cases I could not identify the author of said notes. Many of these girls I am still friends with; many, I am not.
I found notes from old boyfriends (or boys who desperately wanted to be my boyfriend). Some of them were expressing their love for me. Some were apologies for hurting me. I even found a poem that one guy wrote to me - it wasn't of high literary quality, but it was original and expressive - that prompted us to start dating. I found one from a guy friend with a complicated history. We're still friends today and we do keep in touch (unlike most of my actual ex-boyfriends), but this note really pulled on some heartstrings for numerous reasons I won't reveal.

Point being, boxes of memories - good, bad, funny, you name it - were piled in my parents' garage. I dreaded opening them, but now I am so glad I did. It was cleansing and refreshing and fun and it truly surfaced some emotions I haven't felt in a while. I've said it once, and I'll say it as long as I live: emotions are good for you! (Although like most things, IN MODERATION!)

Feel things!
Live!
Love!
Learn!

And keep a smile on your face while you do it :)

Long Distance

Physical/spatial distance, I have learned, is much much different than emotional distance. I have been in two different long-distance relationships in the past 5 years and have discovered that being near each other doesn't always make you closer to someone. My roommate is currently in a long-distance relationship that is extremely healthy, and both her and the bf are extremely happy. On the other hand, B and I live one city away from each other (~13 miles or so), and the dynamics of our relationship are so different from my roomie and her bf.

My first LD relationship was with my high school bf. We had been together for almost a year and a half when I moved away from home to go to college in Santa Barbara. We tried to make it work for a few months, but as time progressed, our lives took different paths. He was three years older than me and not making much of his life. That is one thing I can not stand for. His job was a joke and he was taking one or two bull shit classes at our local community college and living with his parents (and two older sisters who were equally useless). I, however, was extremely busy with my first year of college: searching for a job and eventually finding one, making new friends, adjusting to my new course load and study habits, etc. We tried to talk on the phone every night but I got pretty busy studying and attempting to have a social life. Eventually, I ran out of time and energy for our relationship and had to end it. I knew I didn't need it, and we weren't on the same page. Done.

My next LD relationship began as a LD relationship. Shortly after my breakup with LD#1, my grandmother took our family to Hawaii for Christmas. Long story short, I met a guy there. He lived in Canada and had an awesome family (our families hit it off on the beach day 1 of the vaca; we were the last two of the group to meet). We exchanged emails and kept in touch, swapped pictures, etc. Eventually we started talking on the phone. After 4 months of getting to know each other pretty well over the phone, he flew down to visit me. We became a couple. We talked on the phone every night, even though we had very different schedules. We found a way. We also found a way to visit each other whenever we could. We took turns flying back and forth to visit each other every 6-8 weeks or so. Eventually, he moved down to Santa Barbara to go to school and try out a new city. It was great to finally be together! However, we eventually started getting on each others' nerves (we did NOT live together, btw) and didn't have the same goals. I am extremely focused and self-motivated and I love school. He was the opposite. And, he didn't have a job. Eventually, we broke up. We both knew it was coming for about a month or so beforehand, but neither one of us wanted to say it. I finally did, and it was hard, but we are okay now and there are no hard feelings. It was a healthy and mature breakup. We have both moved on.

Now, my roomie (SC) is in a relationship with a guy from home (she's from San Francisco but lives in Santa Barbara currently) whom she dated for a summer three years ago. They began corresponding through email in February of this year, he came to visit one weekend in March, and then they got together. He comes to SB very often to visit, and she goes home whenever she can. The longest they have gone without seeing each other is 2 weeks. They text each other all day, are always on the phone, and write posts to each other on facebook. Basically, they're obsessed with each other.

My boyfriend,who lives in the neighboring city, hates talking on the phone. He has an iPhone, but only uses it for all the apps. He rarely has conversations that last longer than 3 minutes, and isn't very good at responding to texts. He goes on facebook every day, but only plays games and occasionally writes on peoples' walls. Never mine, though. It's nearly impossible to get him excited about things or have a conversation about anything semi-serious. SC is jealous because B and I potentially get to see each other every day, if we so choose. However, I am jealous because her bf actually talks to her, and likes it! And, she doesn't have to force him! Also, (although I would never make a big deal about this to B for fear of his reaction) SC's boyfriend loves her; he says it to her, and he says it to everyone he can. He is so happy to be in a relationship with her that he wants the whole world to know. Of this fact, I am envious.

Yes, B and I could spend every moment of every day together if we wanted to - I know SC and her boy would if they could. But that does not make up for the fact that we don't have the same kind of communication. I'm not asking that he talks to me every second we're together, or call me every three hours to keep me informed of everything that he does during the day. But he won't talk to me about anything. I take that back - sometimes, if I interrogate him, he'll talk to me about what's going on with him. But it's like pulling teeth. It's frustrating for him that I want him to talk to me more, to open up and let me in; but its equally frustrating for me that he won't talk, and shows no desire to.

Lately I've just been feeling defeated and complacent. If he doesn't want to talk, fine. I'm over it. But I'm not...I still need and want him to open up to me. I only bring it up to him every once in a while now, but I can't help feeling its all in vain. I think I'm almost out of options, but I'm not quite ready to give up. *sigh* I wish he showed the same enthusiasm towards me as Miles (his amazing dog) does!!

Also, for those of you who may be in long-distance relationships, don't give up! Although this post may have seemed somewhat pessimistic, I truly believe that LD's can be quite successful. I caution you to not turn a blind eye to things that may be happening while you're not around; however, it is also foolish and detrimental to start assuming or imagining things that aren't really happening. To everyone in a relationship of any kind, I wish you all luck and love!

Sleep_______

Sleep in.
Sleep over.
Sleep...never.

These are just a few of the things my boyfriend and I do together (along with his dog Miles!)

Both of us are night owls and stay up watching late night TV, even when we have to be up the next morning. We don't live together so we spend the night at each others' place 3-5 nights a week. Sleeping over increases the likelihood of us sleeping in. And in general, we both have some sleeping issues, especially me. I have pills for that, but I don't like taking them very often...

We used to also lose some sleep at our sleepovers because of grown-up activities (i.e. sex), but lately it hasn't been an issue. For some reason, sex has. Now, we aren't one of those couples that requires intercourse every other hour, but we used to have it on a regular basis and it was amazing. The best sex both of us have ever had. My bf is pretty timid so I was often the one to get the ball rolling in bed, so to speak; but the past couple weeks he doesn't have much of a desire to be intimate. At all.

This situation has really made me nervous and I've tried talking to him about it, but he always has nothing to say. He never has answers for me. I try not to be pushy or crazy or anything like that (the usual factors that make guys shy away), but nothing seems to work and he won't get to the root of the problem. I tried all last night to figure this thing out, but to no avail. He says its not me, that he doesn't want to break up, that he still wants me, that there's nobody else (which is the thing I believe the most), but there is still no answer.

I left his house today after a fun morning of taking the dog to the beach, and trying one last time to talk to him. Again, nothing. I even gave him the opportunity when none of his housemates were home, and he didn't take the bait. His dog was more upset for me to leave than my bf was. WTF?!?! I love Miles to death but a dog shouldn't have more feelings than a person!! Anyways, I tried to come home an study, but couldn't get my mind off of our suffering sex life. I was to tempted to call or text him just to get my mind off it, but I didn't. I figured I should give it a rest.

As much as I just want this thing to go away, I don't think it will. If anything goes away from this relationship it'll be our sex life...or worse, me. Through watery eyes last night I said to my man: "I can't be the girlfriend that your afraid to talk to. I can't be the girlfriend you don't have sex with. I can't be the girlfriend you don't want to spend time with. And I can't be the girlfriend who can't be loved." To this, he said nothing. Just a nod.

I can't live with just an acknowledgment of what I said. I need answers. I need actions. Most of all, I need him to show emotions. I'm almost convinced that he doesn't have any. He can get angry, but he can't love....I don't get it. I don't want to lose my mind, but I also don't want to lose my man.

5 Things I Love About My Boyfriend

There are plenty of things that I enjoy about my honey, but today, these are my top five:

His eyes. His big, beautiful, blue eyes are so easy to get lost in. He has long eyelashes (which he hates) that bring out his eyes and make me stare into them all the time. Probably my favorite physical feature about him :)

He doesn't know how to flirt. I find this absolutely adorable about him. I don't think it's weird that a 27-year old man still doesn't quite know how to talk to girls. It's adorable, and I never have to worry about him trying to pick up another woman!

He's extremely intelligent. He's the "sexy nerd" type. He's a chemist and often analyzes everything in a very scientific way. And of course there's other nerdy boy things (besides chemicals) that he likes. But he also makes it sexy rather than dorky. He seems to know everything about everything, and if he doesn't, he'll just look up the answer on his iPhone!

He makes me giggle. A lot of people and things can make me laugh, but there's only certain things that bring out my giggle. My boyfriend is one of them. He loves listening to and making fun of my giggle, which makes me giggle even more. I can't put my finger on what brings out the giggles, but he just has that special something.

His dog. I love his dog because he's the best dog on the planet (in our opinion)! But my boyfriend's dog says a lot about him. He trained Miles (the dog), so pretty much everything Miles knows he learned from his daddy! Miles is such a loving, playful, and most importantly loyal dog. These traits - I insist - are a reflection of my man.

I do?

Last weekend my best friend said two of the most binding words in the English language, "I do." I remember the phone conversation in which she told me her boyfriend proposed to her and how ecstatic we both were at that moment. We've known each other since we were 3 years old, and from the moment we figured out what a wedding was, we began planning ours. Although her wedding wasn't the extravagant beach wedding full of family and friends that she talked about as a bright-eyed 5th grader, it was still beautiful, and so is she. Although she has two fabulous older sisters, she chose me to be the Maid of Honor...and I was honored. The problem with the situation, however, was that she moved to Idaho almost 2 years ago to be with her man, and I'm still in Southern California. I felt so bad to not be able to help her plan the wedding because I was so far away. Her entire family is far away. She did a great job planning things with the help of some of her new Idaho friends, but I still felt I let her down in a way.

I arrived in Idaho after spending the day in airports and airplanes and stayed up late chatting with my long-lost sisters. After a night of catching up and giggling like teens on a sugar-high at a sleepover, we got no sleep and felt the consequences for the rest of the weekend. The days seemed long and everyone was pretty cranky from the continuous lack of sleep, but I hadn't seen her entire family in so long it didn't matter. The only person I really didn't get to catch up with was the bride herself. I was a bit put off and pretty hurt by her actions that weekend, but what could I do? She's the bride, and I decided to let her be. Her entire family, including myself, had to travel hundreds of miles and countless hours to be at her wedding - an event that we wouldn't have missed for the world. She seemed to forget all this, though, only spending time with her husband and his family and the people from her church that she sees all the time. Granted, the groom's family doesn't live in Idaho, but they're just over the border into the next state and get to see the happy new couple quite often. Like her family, I was offended that I spent so much time and money and energy getting to this wedding , and she didn't seem to appreciate one bit of it. After barely getting a goodbye and being almost sickened by her complete loss of independence, I boarded my flight back to LA and got lost in a book. On the drive home from LAX, I let some tears out - tears of joy that my best friend was happily in love, and tears of sadness that she didn't think she needed her family in her life now that she has a husband to take care of her.

That got me to thinking about myself (of course - it's human nature!)...my best friend, my sister that I grew up with, is MARRIED. wtf??? When did we grow up? I just graduated from college, many of my friends are getting married, having kids, even buying houses already!!! Since when?!? I was in shock at how grown up we apparently were, but how not grown-up I felt. Am I really an adult? Is tying the knot really right around the corner already? I better start checking for gray hairs soon...I would hate for one to sneak up on me like this wedding did. Then I started thinking about my boyfriend. He's 5 years older than me, but he already has a few gray hairs. Uh-oh...here comes the quarter-life crisis.

My boyfriend and I had an interesting start to our relationship, but we finally settled into each other and made it official six months ago. He knows that I care about him more than anything, and during an argument in which he wasn't listening to my point I told him that I love him. He knows this already, but it's so different to say it out loud. He, on the other hand, has never said it to me. He "loves" hanging out with me, or "loves" when I massage his hands and feet, but he hasn't declared that he "loves" ME. This doesn't necessarily upset me, but it makes me wonder what our future holds. My best friend just turned 22, her husband is 29. I'm 22, by boyfriend is 27. Shouldn't he be getting close to that age where he wants to take his life seriously and start thinking about his future? I want him to commit to me enough to say those three little words. I mean, isn't that all a girl really wants? To love and be loved (and maybe a cute pair of shoes here and there)? I need to hear those words from him at some point. I know this, and I'm pretty sure he does too. However, how far behind those words is the thought of marriage? THIS thought freaked the hell out of me. I'm not a grown-up yet, I thought. I have a degree, and hopefully soon something that resembles a career...but MARRIAGE? NO WAY!! So upon returning to my wonderful boyfriend after the wedding, I decided that if more time is what he needs, then I can wait a little longer to hear those words.