Upside Down

I feel like my life is upside-down right now. I have a lot of good things in my life, and I can see that. But I'm not where I want to be, and I feel like I will never get there. B and my family are encouraging, but to me it's not realistic; it's not what I want.

I feel that it is impossible to find a job that I want. And I'm not even being all that picky. At first I was only searching for jobs in the specific field that I was interested in. Now I'm not only searching for a job in any sort of medical field, but any job at all. There are hardly any seasonal jobs at the mall, let alone a job I want and that will help advance my career. Getting a job even after you have a college degree is much, much harder than they say.

To put the cherry on the sad little cake, I basically have no friends. I have my roommate, who is like my wife: we live together, cook and clean together, pay the bills together, and have things that we do at home together (mostly our dinner dates and TIVO watching rituals), but I feel she gets bored of me easily because we live together. She invites me to things less and less; when our mutual friends ask why I haven't been around I don't know what to say. I would love to hang out with them more, but I didn't get an invite. People assume she will invite me because we live together and are good friends, but this isn't always the case. I don't want to ask her to invite me out more, because then I sound like a crazy person. Then again, I don't want to tell her that I don't have friends anymore and I really need these social interactions that aren't at work. I have fellow employees, but aren't really close to any of them because only one of us is working at a time. My roommate works with all girls so she has quite a few work friends and girlfriends. I, on the other hand, have mostly male friends (which I don't mind, but they aren't quite the same as having close girlfriends), and don't get many chances to hang out with my co-workers. Many of my friends here in Santa Barbara have graduated and moved on, so I have very few remaining. My roommate still has over a year 'til graduation, so hasn't faced this problem yet, and I feel like she doesn't understand.

I also have B and I am grateful for that, but he also does not sympathize with my problem. Most of his close friends are in another state, but this doesn't bother him too much, as he is not a very social person to begin with. He would rather be alone than not, so he doesn't see it as a negative situation that I don't have many friends. I still have my friends from home, but they aren't here with me and we don't keep in contact as much as any of us would like. For me, this really is a tough situation.

I've been struggling again lately with depression and anxiety, and not having people to talk to is making the issues worse. As much as I try to be happy with all that I have been blessed with, I still feel like I am being tripped in the middle of a busy sidewalk while it is pouring rain. Everyone can see that I am struggling and in dyer need of help, yet no one is willing to help. I'm stuck in this mucky public puddle and desperately need someone to pull me out.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

I think a lot. I think about everything. I believe this is where my tendency to worry about insignificant things stems from. I'm sure I wouldn't have nearly as much anxiety if I could just figure out a way to make my conscious brain just relax for a bit. But for the most part, I can't. Talking or writing about such bothersome things helps to alleviate some of the needless worries, but sometimes I just can't shake a feeling.

As I've mentioned before - and probably will mention a million times more - B and I have a pretty great relationship. It's admittedly imperfect and that's just fine. We are aware of our imperfections. However, sometimes we have different opinions on where those imperfections lie. For example, I don't think he communicates with me enough. He is aware that I see this as a problem, and he knows that he has a difficult time opening up to people. But he doesn't make much of an effort to open up to me, and this is heartbreaking. He sees communication as only a minor problem, because he doesn't lie to me or deliberately keep details from me. I appreciate this, but I need more.

This, among other issues that arise in our relationship, has been on my mind lately. The hardest thing for me is that I want so bad to solve problems, but he either doesn't see the same problems or doesn't have the desire to change. I respect the fact that he doesn't see everything the way I do - that would be extremely boring. B is also great to talk to because he is such a great listener. However, he is not a great talker. Overall, this makes him not so great at communicating. And when I try to address things, he avoids conversations like the plague. To me, this is hurtful and disrespectful.


I have opened by heart to B, and expect him to [at least attempt to] do the same. I tried to address this issue tonight and unexpectedly started an argument. After I calmed him down, I explained to B how I don't always feel respected. Many people don't understand that sassy comments and rude gestures aren't the only things that hurt people's feelings. Not listening to someone express emotions or feelings to you - or not acting on what you are supposedly listening to - is just as disrespectful as giving someone the finger. Obviously different people are offended or hurt by different things, but I think we as human beings often miss this. The feeling of disrespect is often not exuded the same way anger or fear would be. Granted, disrespect isn't exactly an emotion, but it is still more subtly portrayed than many other strong feelings.

I wanted to end our conversation tonight as quickly as possible so B could breathe again, so I didn't want to stress anything too strongly. But it is difficult for me to handle such feelings of disrespect from my partner when I have it coming from other angles. Co-workers, bosses, classmates, friends....all of these people have made me feel disrespected and unappreciated at one time or another. But it is much easier to brush it off. I told B that sometimes he acts like he doesn't appreciate everything I do for him, everything I have sacrificed for him, all the efforts I make to keep him happy. To me it isn't work, and I don't ask for too much in return. But I at least need to feel respected and appreciated. I lay it all out in the open for him. It would be so amazing and make me so happy to see him show up at my door with some hand-picked flowers, or offer to give me a relaxing massage in candlelight...

Through Other Eyes

I'm just pointing out something that everyone knows by saying this, but here goes: things always look different through someone else's eyes. Everyone has their own opinions and ways of looking at things, thinking about things, dealing with things. It's easy for one person to see things through rose-colored glasses and keep a smile on while others see the end of the world and always have a frown. This thought has manifested itself in many different ways to me in the past couple of days.

I generally hate MTV/VH1, reality TV, idiots competing for cash prizes, etc. However, my roommate and I have a guilty VH1 pleasure: Tool Academy. In this show, girls trick their jackass boyfriends into coming onto a reality TV show where they believe they will get to show the world how fabulous and man-whory they are. Instead, the are crammed into a dorm-style room where there is more testosterone and shit-talking per square foot than a college fraternity house. The "tools" and their girlfriends have to participate in therapy sessions and challenges each week, and one couple is eliminated at the end. Now, I often vent about (or praise) my relationship with B in this blog. Looking back, nothing he does is as bad as these screaming, egotistical, cheating jerks on the show. Sure, B and I have our share of rough patches. But our rough patches could be rougher. Like most couples, we have our communication issues. We can each be selfish at times. We have conflicting interests, but we can usually resolve them quite quickly.
But these guys consistently cheat on their girlfriends, get in pointless fights with other guys, are often unemployed and living off their girlfriends, and sometimes we even get a little baby-mama-drama! My problems pale in comparison. B has never cheated and I am positive he never will. I am more likely to pick a fight with someone than he is. The list goes on. Shows (and real-life situations like these) are my rose-tinted glasses. They aren't disguising my problems, but they put them in a better light for me. It makes me appreciate the things we disagree about. As stressed out as I get sometimes, I always have to remember that things could be worse. Much worse.

So Much To Do, So Little Time

Yesterday I was procrastinating studying for my final, so I decided to compile all my random little tasks (many of which are on sticky notes lying around the house, my purse, my backpack, the pockets of my work jacket, etc.) into an actual TO-DO LIST. What a concept, I know. Some of these are small little things that I just want to get done and don't take too much time, like painting my toenails :) Other things will take more time and energy, naturally. I generally try to have a list for the month or so, but this is not always possible. I don't sweat it though, I just get as much done as I can and try to prioritize. This, by the way, is much easier said than done (as all you procrastinators out there are well aware of). So, just to keep myself on track, I'm posting my list on my blog!

To-Do in September:

• clean out and wash car - check! Did that last week :)
  
• mail photos to B's mother - she requested a few photos of us to frame at their home...yay!
  
• mail DVDs to my parents
• put away clean laundry - I hate doing this. Honestly, this is the worst part of the entire laundry process.
  
• clean bathroom - and I mean scrub that baby down!
• purge (and organize) closet - I try to do this about once a month. By this, I don't mean getting rid of everything in my entire closet; I just fill up a medium sized grocery or trash bag with all the clothes I don't wear often enough and give them away! It makes me feel good that people who need clothes can actually have access to them, and I make room in my closet for the stuff I actually love and wear! Plus, it leaves me room to buy a new article of clothing :) General rule of thumb: for every bag you get rid of (5-10 items, say), don't buy more than one new thing to replace it. *one new thing = ONE article of clothing, one or two small accessories, etc. NOT an entire outfit!!!
• steam living room and bedroom carpet - my mom has a carpet steam cleaner that she has graciously let me borrow and I think I'm addicted! It's kinda fun and very relaxing to do, plus the results are phenomenal and make you feel great!
• clean laptop - I have a white MacBook that is a little over 3 years old and I've only truly cleaned it once. I clean the screen all the time, but the keyboard is starting to drive me crazy because the oils from my skin are beginning to stain the keys.
• get a new bike - my bike was stolen a while back and I've been borrowing B's to use for school (by the way, pretty much everyone in Santa Barbara bikes in one way or another, and everyone at UCSB rides bikes to campus because most students live less than a mile from campus and there are bike paths everywhere. Biking is a way of life here). I've decided that I need to get a replacement bike because he wants full use of his back (oops!) and I want to drive less and bike more when I am only traveling short distances.
• Sephora.com - I use Clinique facial care products and purchase it form Sephora rather than somewhere else. There is a Sephora store in Santa Barbara, but I prefer to order online for a few reasons: (1) it's easy! I'm not being lazy, I swear...I just really like online shopping; (2) I get cash back on my debit card if I order on Sephora.com; (3) I still get my beauty points whether I order online or purchase in-store. These points are redeemable for free Sephora stuff, btw; (4) for every online order, you get to choose three free samples! That's right ladies, free designer samples. Three of them. And you get to pick them out! As a working girl and a student with no money, this is a great way to get little things you need/want (like moisturizers and perfumes) with little or no cost to you!!!
• hit the gym! - I work at a private health club, and I enjoy the atmosphere there. One of the perks of being an employee here is that we receive a complimentary all-access gym membership. I definitely do not take advantage of this as much as I would like to. I intend to change that.
• read a book - for the past four years I've been so busy with school and/or work that I rarely have time to relax and read a book for leisure. I enjoy reading, and didn't mind doing the assigned reading for my English and Literature classes, but this took away from my personal book time. I miss my personal book time.
  

Hug It Out

I had a 10-12 page botanical research paper that was due this morning in class. It was, to say the least, intense. After a full school day yesterday (10am-9pm, with two breaks), I went to B's house to eat dinner and finish my paper. I walked in the door and he started talking to me about his day and other things that were going on (yes, again, writing about bf problems on the blog somehow solves them in real life...), and when he turned away to start making dinner I started crying and hoped he wouldn't notice. He did, of course, and immediately started being hilarious to try to cheer me up. The tears stopped, and dinner made me feel a little better. However, I was still super stressed about my paper (which was actually 15 pages long because I'm an over-achiever -- thanks mom and dad!), and other school things on my agenda.

I sat at his desk working on my paper, and he laid in bed watching TV. By this point, it was around midnight, and when he would see me stressing out, he would just do something to make me laugh. It was really nice to have a good laugh together. It's amazing how much stress it releases!

There were also a few times between the hours of midnight and 1 where I just looked at him and he would give me the puppy-dog eyes. It's funny, because when the kids I babysit for give me the puppy-dog eyes I rarely give in. But when B does it, I rarely say no. Anyways, he would give me the eyes and say, "Come snuggle with me for a minute, take a break, relax." So I would have to do it. Then he would give me the biggest hugs ever and squeeze some of my stress away. And then say, "Okay, now just go to bed! :)" I would just smile, give him another big squeeze, and get back to my paper.

Obviously, I eventually made it to bed. I hardly slept because I was extremely anxious about my paper, but laying next to him (and the dog!) made me feel so much better. If laughter is the best medicine, then hugs are what you wash it down with. B's hugs saved me from a nervous breakdown last night. And pretty much any other time I'm on the brink. It's amazing what the smallest amount of physical contact from someone you love can do!

So next time you're feeling down, or on the brink of a breakdown, steal a huge hug from someone you care about. It might not fix everything, but it sure is a comfy band-aid!!!

A Few Bad Days

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Hey all!! Sorry I haven't been writing at all the past five days or so...I've been extremely busy with school and everything else and just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been taking my "meds" lately, but the past few days I still haven't been myself...

As usual, I've been keeping myself very busy (some would say I'm too busy). I just started taking some classes at my local community college in order to be able to apply to the Masters in Nursing program I want to get into. Since these classes are science labs, and my life already seems to be over-scheduled, things are about to get a little hectic!

In order to keep myself from going absolutely insane, I am trying to find fun recreational activities to participate in without being completely hammered (Santa Barbara is quite a party town, so sometimes it gets hard to find activities that DON'T involve intoxication...especially during summertime). This summer, my boyfriend, his roommate, my roommate, and myself ("The Fam") have started throwing some balls around at our local bowling alley :) Our friend has been a bowling league before - albeit years ago - but the rest of us are just learning. We decided that we would join a 'Sunday Fun League' so that we're not competing with the pros.

We started doing this just for fun, but now we're really starting to get into it! (With the exception of my man, all of us are very competitive people. We know that we're not the best bowlers in the alley, but we definitely won't let ourselves be the worst!!) Last night (Tues) we went bowling, without my roomie, and got the best lane and arrived right when happy hour began. *By the way, this bowling alley is the only one in about a 70 mile radius and has around 40 excellent beers on tap,many of which are their own labels. My favorite thing about this bowling gig is the $4, 22oz "Shock Top" beer that has hints of orange in it. Soooo gooood...*

Anyway, I was bowling absolutely terrible last night and the boys were doing pretty well, as usual. Normally I don't care that I suck, but last night it was really getting to me. I was trying so hard, concentrating on all the tips I've received from the pros and other people, but my ball still seemed to find the gutter more often than it should have. While I hate getting a terrible score, I was mostly upset with myself.

I am definitely my harshest critic, and when I put my energy into something only to receive no reward, I get frustrated. Efficiency is one of my main objectives in a task, so when I set out to accomplish something and don't get instant gratification, I struggle. I understand that many things take time to develop, but this was different. My moods and emotions are difficult for me to control: I never know when I'm going to have a good day, or a "bad" day, even when I'm taking my pills religiously.

Although not nearly as severe as before I was medicated, these "bad days" (when my depression is prominent) really effect me, even when I try to push those negative thoughts out of my mind. I don't think I'll ever stop being my own worst enemy as far as criticism goes, and I know I'm always gonna have "bad days" on occasion. It's during these times that I really lean on my boyfriend (we'll start calling him B), and last night at the alley, he reminded me that sucking at bowling doesn't make me a bad person. No matter how hard I tried to sit alone in the corner and drink my delicious happy hour beer until it was my turn again, he kept bringing me into his arms and trying to cheer me up.

I finally let his dorky jokes and kisses bring me out of my funk for a little bit, but it slowly crept back shortly after we arrived home. He snuggled me close last night, as my Ambien took me away to a land of strange and semi-satisfying sleep. When I woke up next to him this morning, I remembered that I don't have to be perfect. I am who I am, and that's perfect enough.

Happy Things

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Yesterday I was reading a post on Oh, Mishka entitled Cheer Up. She had been in a funk and asked her reader what kind of things cheered them up. I replied and it sparked my idea for this post!

Things that cheer me up when I'm down:

A GOOD CRY When you're feeling sad, don't be afraid to let it out!! Hiding your feelings is one of the worst things you can do to yourself (emotionally). Crying is a natural response to hurt and sadness; it is supposed to be cathartic...so just let it happen.

SNUGGLING Whether it's with my boyfriend, the pups, or the 8,000 pillows on my bed, cuddling up and just relaxing helps to soothe the nerves. Don't talk, don't stress...just be.

SHOPPING As every woman knows, shopping is like grandma's chicken soup: a cure-all. Being out and about takes your mind off your worries, and doing something fun for yourself (and by yourself) can also be cathartic. When I'm doing my "shopping therapy," I usually just try a bunch of things on, carry them around the store for a while, then put everything back on the racks and go home. Or I'll but some things, take them home and leave them in the bag for a day or two, then go return them! Just the act of shopping is therapeutic for me, not the actual possession of new goodies.

YOGA I am a firm believer in the healing powers of habitual yoga practice and I truly enjoy doing it. Besides the physical exercise and accompanying release of endorphins, yoga also exercises the mind. It heals the mind and body simultaneously, and lets you really escape to your innermost self. A yoga class is an excellent place for making self-realizations, or just clearing your mind of all the crap that is going on around you.

MILES My boyfriend's dog Miles is my baby. He loves me, and I love him. Just looking into this dog's eyes can make me feel better, and he is very loyal and receptive of me. He knows when I'm sad and licks me until I give into him. He'll then either cuddle up with me, or force me to play with him. Whatever the activity, I swear that dog has incredible healing powers that a human can not offer.

FOOD As you'll probably soon learn about me, I love to eat! I love to go out to different restaurants, try new foods/drinks, and just snack in general. It's a very satisfying feeling. If you're feeling down, try treating yourself to your favorite meal or chocolate-covered snack!

A GOOD BOOK I have to read a lot of textbooks and scientific research papers for school, so it's not very often that I get to choose a book on my own and read it for leisure. When I'm in a funky mood, I'll set my academic obligations aside (you can't study effectively anyways if your mind is clouded with other troubles) and read a book of my choosing. I love classic literature, but my "reading therapy" usually consists of some kind of "girly" book. Some personal favorites include Eat, Pray, Love (which any woman should read, and probably reread), and books by Candace Bushnell (inspiration for Sex and the City).

DRIVING I find driving very therapeutic. It's a completely different experience when you're not driving to anywhere in particular. Sometimes I just drive around and explore different areas of the city, or I'll pick a destination (like a coffee shop, or even a gas station) and take the long way.

MUSIC Even for those who aren't avid or obsessional music lovers, listening to your favorite songs will cheer you up...or at least take your mind to another place for a little bit. Again, catharsis can be easily initiated by the right combination of sounds and lyrics. I often make a playlist on my computer just for that occasion, depending on what kind of mood I'm in.

A NAP Being upset often makes you tired, so a nap will physically be good for you. Some sleep will also help to clear your mind and make those problems seem at least a little smaller. Naps can be very refreshing (if you actually sleep) and will give you the energy and clarity of mind to tackle those emotional demons.

HAIR-DOS When I'm alone, I like to experiment with different hair styles. Many girls do this with makeup, which is also fun. But I already have a knack for doing makeup, so I focus my negative energies on my unruly hair. It not only gives your mind something else to do, but you might also stumble upon some new look that really works for you!

BEING ALONE When I'm in a funk because of personal issues (especially my depression, or perhaps certain issues with my boyfriend), I prefer to be alone. Many of the previous items on this list are activities that I do alone, and can only be done alone. I don't want to project the gray cloud over my head onto other people, so I just tuck myself away somewhere soothing until I can be around humanity again.

NOT BEING ALONE Sometimes there are those issues in your life that will only go away if you're distracted by another person. In some depressions, being alone is not a good thing. When I'm in these type of moods, I make my situation worse by stewing over things in my head. This often leads to the manifestation of more problems, many of which are completely fabricated in my emotionally clouded head. Going out with the girls for a night on the town, or going to a movie with the man are good distractions from the dangerous workings of your own mind.

These are just a few of the things that cheer me up in general. Of course, there are always situations in which these may not work, or another uplifting opportunity arises. You just have to see what works for you. Check out the comments on the blog I mentioned earlier for more suggestions. Also, I would love your comments about what brings you out of a funk!!

Have a beautiful day everyone! Keep your head up and a smile in your heart (and hopefully on your face)!

Hello, I'm Medicated

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I had a doctor's appointment this morning in which I had to get two refills of pills that I am currently taking. When I came home to put them away, I realized that my body is functioning not on my own accord, but thanks to modern medical technology.

Now, I don't necessarily consider this a bad situation. I know that many people don't want to take pills because they don't want people to stereotype them, or they don't want their bodies to be "unnatural," or whatever other reason. Many medications are synthesized in labs, but many still contain natural products and the chemicals synthesized for medical usage are broken down in the body the same as the natural substances.

I've long had sleep issues, as I've mentioned many a time, as well as anxiety, depression, etc. I have pills for all of these things, and for the most part they really help me live my daily life. For a long time, I didn't seek help because I didn't want physical evidence of my problems. I tried to deal with the underlying issues, but that alone wasn't enough. I am so grateful for medical advances and I love my pills :) I'm not a pill head or an addict or anything, but I've found that denial is no way to get better. So I do have to take multiple pills every day/night. Oh well! It's worth the extra 30 seconds every morning to take my meds than to suffer through a day without them.

I love my life. I loved it before the depression and anxiety, and tried so hard to find that same love for life during the bad times. But it seemed impossible. But now I'm better. Things are much easier. I know that it's a bad habit to repress feelings and not tackle problems head-on. So I don't. And I recommend the same to anyone. It's better to suffer temporarily while smoothing out a little rough patch than to let it develop into a stormy sea of undealt-with emotions. Trust me.