A Few Bad Days

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Hey all!! Sorry I haven't been writing at all the past five days or so...I've been extremely busy with school and everything else and just haven't been in the mood to write. I've been taking my "meds" lately, but the past few days I still haven't been myself...

As usual, I've been keeping myself very busy (some would say I'm too busy). I just started taking some classes at my local community college in order to be able to apply to the Masters in Nursing program I want to get into. Since these classes are science labs, and my life already seems to be over-scheduled, things are about to get a little hectic!

In order to keep myself from going absolutely insane, I am trying to find fun recreational activities to participate in without being completely hammered (Santa Barbara is quite a party town, so sometimes it gets hard to find activities that DON'T involve intoxication...especially during summertime). This summer, my boyfriend, his roommate, my roommate, and myself ("The Fam") have started throwing some balls around at our local bowling alley :) Our friend has been a bowling league before - albeit years ago - but the rest of us are just learning. We decided that we would join a 'Sunday Fun League' so that we're not competing with the pros.

We started doing this just for fun, but now we're really starting to get into it! (With the exception of my man, all of us are very competitive people. We know that we're not the best bowlers in the alley, but we definitely won't let ourselves be the worst!!) Last night (Tues) we went bowling, without my roomie, and got the best lane and arrived right when happy hour began. *By the way, this bowling alley is the only one in about a 70 mile radius and has around 40 excellent beers on tap,many of which are their own labels. My favorite thing about this bowling gig is the $4, 22oz "Shock Top" beer that has hints of orange in it. Soooo gooood...*

Anyway, I was bowling absolutely terrible last night and the boys were doing pretty well, as usual. Normally I don't care that I suck, but last night it was really getting to me. I was trying so hard, concentrating on all the tips I've received from the pros and other people, but my ball still seemed to find the gutter more often than it should have. While I hate getting a terrible score, I was mostly upset with myself.

I am definitely my harshest critic, and when I put my energy into something only to receive no reward, I get frustrated. Efficiency is one of my main objectives in a task, so when I set out to accomplish something and don't get instant gratification, I struggle. I understand that many things take time to develop, but this was different. My moods and emotions are difficult for me to control: I never know when I'm going to have a good day, or a "bad" day, even when I'm taking my pills religiously.

Although not nearly as severe as before I was medicated, these "bad days" (when my depression is prominent) really effect me, even when I try to push those negative thoughts out of my mind. I don't think I'll ever stop being my own worst enemy as far as criticism goes, and I know I'm always gonna have "bad days" on occasion. It's during these times that I really lean on my boyfriend (we'll start calling him B), and last night at the alley, he reminded me that sucking at bowling doesn't make me a bad person. No matter how hard I tried to sit alone in the corner and drink my delicious happy hour beer until it was my turn again, he kept bringing me into his arms and trying to cheer me up.

I finally let his dorky jokes and kisses bring me out of my funk for a little bit, but it slowly crept back shortly after we arrived home. He snuggled me close last night, as my Ambien took me away to a land of strange and semi-satisfying sleep. When I woke up next to him this morning, I remembered that I don't have to be perfect. I am who I am, and that's perfect enough.