Hello, I'm Medicated

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I had a doctor's appointment this morning in which I had to get two refills of pills that I am currently taking. When I came home to put them away, I realized that my body is functioning not on my own accord, but thanks to modern medical technology.

Now, I don't necessarily consider this a bad situation. I know that many people don't want to take pills because they don't want people to stereotype them, or they don't want their bodies to be "unnatural," or whatever other reason. Many medications are synthesized in labs, but many still contain natural products and the chemicals synthesized for medical usage are broken down in the body the same as the natural substances.

I've long had sleep issues, as I've mentioned many a time, as well as anxiety, depression, etc. I have pills for all of these things, and for the most part they really help me live my daily life. For a long time, I didn't seek help because I didn't want physical evidence of my problems. I tried to deal with the underlying issues, but that alone wasn't enough. I am so grateful for medical advances and I love my pills :) I'm not a pill head or an addict or anything, but I've found that denial is no way to get better. So I do have to take multiple pills every day/night. Oh well! It's worth the extra 30 seconds every morning to take my meds than to suffer through a day without them.

I love my life. I loved it before the depression and anxiety, and tried so hard to find that same love for life during the bad times. But it seemed impossible. But now I'm better. Things are much easier. I know that it's a bad habit to repress feelings and not tackle problems head-on. So I don't. And I recommend the same to anyone. It's better to suffer temporarily while smoothing out a little rough patch than to let it develop into a stormy sea of undealt-with emotions. Trust me.

My First Gray Hair

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As I was brushing my teeth this morning I discovered my first gray hair. Absolutely devastated! I joked a few posts ago about finding a gray hair and now I have one! I can't believe it....what is happening?!?

My life has always been hectic and on the verge of "out of control" but my beautiful hair has always been one of my blessings. I didn't pluck it out, though. I thought I would keep it for a while and see if anyone else notices it. If not, it might be my good luck charm!

It's not fair that as men age, their gray hairs say "wisdom and experience." When women age, our gray hair says "I never got enough sleep (for whatever reason)."

Do women have some sort of genetic disposition to stress that causes us to age much less gracefully than our male counterparts? Or do we just devote ourselves to more things and put others first, in a way that men do not? I'd like to know what you think.

What gives YOU gray hair?

Re: Sleep

So glad I posted that blog yesterday...it was the proof I needed that writing out some of my problems/issues/feelings would help me solve them. My bf and I got back into the swing of things and had our usual mind-blowing sex last night. He wasn't too up for talking about his issues, but he's finally coming back around to his old self.

Although we still have our usual sleeping issues, we woke up feeling happy (albeit tired) this morning. My day is way too busy to take a nap, but at least I can concentrate on studying, rather than worrying about my relationship. I feel refocused on my priorities and am getting organized today so I can get through my to-do list.

Sleep_______

Sleep in.
Sleep over.
Sleep...never.

These are just a few of the things my boyfriend and I do together (along with his dog Miles!)

Both of us are night owls and stay up watching late night TV, even when we have to be up the next morning. We don't live together so we spend the night at each others' place 3-5 nights a week. Sleeping over increases the likelihood of us sleeping in. And in general, we both have some sleeping issues, especially me. I have pills for that, but I don't like taking them very often...

We used to also lose some sleep at our sleepovers because of grown-up activities (i.e. sex), but lately it hasn't been an issue. For some reason, sex has. Now, we aren't one of those couples that requires intercourse every other hour, but we used to have it on a regular basis and it was amazing. The best sex both of us have ever had. My bf is pretty timid so I was often the one to get the ball rolling in bed, so to speak; but the past couple weeks he doesn't have much of a desire to be intimate. At all.

This situation has really made me nervous and I've tried talking to him about it, but he always has nothing to say. He never has answers for me. I try not to be pushy or crazy or anything like that (the usual factors that make guys shy away), but nothing seems to work and he won't get to the root of the problem. I tried all last night to figure this thing out, but to no avail. He says its not me, that he doesn't want to break up, that he still wants me, that there's nobody else (which is the thing I believe the most), but there is still no answer.

I left his house today after a fun morning of taking the dog to the beach, and trying one last time to talk to him. Again, nothing. I even gave him the opportunity when none of his housemates were home, and he didn't take the bait. His dog was more upset for me to leave than my bf was. WTF?!?! I love Miles to death but a dog shouldn't have more feelings than a person!! Anyways, I tried to come home an study, but couldn't get my mind off of our suffering sex life. I was to tempted to call or text him just to get my mind off it, but I didn't. I figured I should give it a rest.

As much as I just want this thing to go away, I don't think it will. If anything goes away from this relationship it'll be our sex life...or worse, me. Through watery eyes last night I said to my man: "I can't be the girlfriend that your afraid to talk to. I can't be the girlfriend you don't have sex with. I can't be the girlfriend you don't want to spend time with. And I can't be the girlfriend who can't be loved." To this, he said nothing. Just a nod.

I can't live with just an acknowledgment of what I said. I need answers. I need actions. Most of all, I need him to show emotions. I'm almost convinced that he doesn't have any. He can get angry, but he can't love....I don't get it. I don't want to lose my mind, but I also don't want to lose my man.

5 Things I Love About My Boyfriend

There are plenty of things that I enjoy about my honey, but today, these are my top five:

His eyes. His big, beautiful, blue eyes are so easy to get lost in. He has long eyelashes (which he hates) that bring out his eyes and make me stare into them all the time. Probably my favorite physical feature about him :)

He doesn't know how to flirt. I find this absolutely adorable about him. I don't think it's weird that a 27-year old man still doesn't quite know how to talk to girls. It's adorable, and I never have to worry about him trying to pick up another woman!

He's extremely intelligent. He's the "sexy nerd" type. He's a chemist and often analyzes everything in a very scientific way. And of course there's other nerdy boy things (besides chemicals) that he likes. But he also makes it sexy rather than dorky. He seems to know everything about everything, and if he doesn't, he'll just look up the answer on his iPhone!

He makes me giggle. A lot of people and things can make me laugh, but there's only certain things that bring out my giggle. My boyfriend is one of them. He loves listening to and making fun of my giggle, which makes me giggle even more. I can't put my finger on what brings out the giggles, but he just has that special something.

His dog. I love his dog because he's the best dog on the planet (in our opinion)! But my boyfriend's dog says a lot about him. He trained Miles (the dog), so pretty much everything Miles knows he learned from his daddy! Miles is such a loving, playful, and most importantly loyal dog. These traits - I insist - are a reflection of my man.