Long Distance

Physical/spatial distance, I have learned, is much much different than emotional distance. I have been in two different long-distance relationships in the past 5 years and have discovered that being near each other doesn't always make you closer to someone. My roommate is currently in a long-distance relationship that is extremely healthy, and both her and the bf are extremely happy. On the other hand, B and I live one city away from each other (~13 miles or so), and the dynamics of our relationship are so different from my roomie and her bf.

My first LD relationship was with my high school bf. We had been together for almost a year and a half when I moved away from home to go to college in Santa Barbara. We tried to make it work for a few months, but as time progressed, our lives took different paths. He was three years older than me and not making much of his life. That is one thing I can not stand for. His job was a joke and he was taking one or two bull shit classes at our local community college and living with his parents (and two older sisters who were equally useless). I, however, was extremely busy with my first year of college: searching for a job and eventually finding one, making new friends, adjusting to my new course load and study habits, etc. We tried to talk on the phone every night but I got pretty busy studying and attempting to have a social life. Eventually, I ran out of time and energy for our relationship and had to end it. I knew I didn't need it, and we weren't on the same page. Done.

My next LD relationship began as a LD relationship. Shortly after my breakup with LD#1, my grandmother took our family to Hawaii for Christmas. Long story short, I met a guy there. He lived in Canada and had an awesome family (our families hit it off on the beach day 1 of the vaca; we were the last two of the group to meet). We exchanged emails and kept in touch, swapped pictures, etc. Eventually we started talking on the phone. After 4 months of getting to know each other pretty well over the phone, he flew down to visit me. We became a couple. We talked on the phone every night, even though we had very different schedules. We found a way. We also found a way to visit each other whenever we could. We took turns flying back and forth to visit each other every 6-8 weeks or so. Eventually, he moved down to Santa Barbara to go to school and try out a new city. It was great to finally be together! However, we eventually started getting on each others' nerves (we did NOT live together, btw) and didn't have the same goals. I am extremely focused and self-motivated and I love school. He was the opposite. And, he didn't have a job. Eventually, we broke up. We both knew it was coming for about a month or so beforehand, but neither one of us wanted to say it. I finally did, and it was hard, but we are okay now and there are no hard feelings. It was a healthy and mature breakup. We have both moved on.

Now, my roomie (SC) is in a relationship with a guy from home (she's from San Francisco but lives in Santa Barbara currently) whom she dated for a summer three years ago. They began corresponding through email in February of this year, he came to visit one weekend in March, and then they got together. He comes to SB very often to visit, and she goes home whenever she can. The longest they have gone without seeing each other is 2 weeks. They text each other all day, are always on the phone, and write posts to each other on facebook. Basically, they're obsessed with each other.

My boyfriend,who lives in the neighboring city, hates talking on the phone. He has an iPhone, but only uses it for all the apps. He rarely has conversations that last longer than 3 minutes, and isn't very good at responding to texts. He goes on facebook every day, but only plays games and occasionally writes on peoples' walls. Never mine, though. It's nearly impossible to get him excited about things or have a conversation about anything semi-serious. SC is jealous because B and I potentially get to see each other every day, if we so choose. However, I am jealous because her bf actually talks to her, and likes it! And, she doesn't have to force him! Also, (although I would never make a big deal about this to B for fear of his reaction) SC's boyfriend loves her; he says it to her, and he says it to everyone he can. He is so happy to be in a relationship with her that he wants the whole world to know. Of this fact, I am envious.

Yes, B and I could spend every moment of every day together if we wanted to - I know SC and her boy would if they could. But that does not make up for the fact that we don't have the same kind of communication. I'm not asking that he talks to me every second we're together, or call me every three hours to keep me informed of everything that he does during the day. But he won't talk to me about anything. I take that back - sometimes, if I interrogate him, he'll talk to me about what's going on with him. But it's like pulling teeth. It's frustrating for him that I want him to talk to me more, to open up and let me in; but its equally frustrating for me that he won't talk, and shows no desire to.

Lately I've just been feeling defeated and complacent. If he doesn't want to talk, fine. I'm over it. But I'm not...I still need and want him to open up to me. I only bring it up to him every once in a while now, but I can't help feeling its all in vain. I think I'm almost out of options, but I'm not quite ready to give up. *sigh* I wish he showed the same enthusiasm towards me as Miles (his amazing dog) does!!

Also, for those of you who may be in long-distance relationships, don't give up! Although this post may have seemed somewhat pessimistic, I truly believe that LD's can be quite successful. I caution you to not turn a blind eye to things that may be happening while you're not around; however, it is also foolish and detrimental to start assuming or imagining things that aren't really happening. To everyone in a relationship of any kind, I wish you all luck and love!